'Balance' vs. A Flood of Thoughts

The piano comes in with a simple motive. The saxophone and trumpet follow in unison with a stern proclamation. The bass and drums form a forgiving framework and assert themselves sparingly and appropriately. Then confusion takes root and grows through the instruments -- each is left to fend for itself. Yet, this season ultimately gives way to a return to the motive -- the point of departure coexists as the point of arrival. This song, called 'Balance', is one of my favorites and is a redemptive part of jazz's disappointing recent history. It reminds me to return to the Truth -- in spite of confusion -- even when balance is that last thing that seems possible.

All of this is to say... I don't know what I'm talking about. Balance seems impossible to me, more often than not, these days. I want to know what I'm talking about, I want to unlock something... Yet, I don't know where to start. I know there is still something brewing inside of me, but I don't know what it is or where it is going. The frustration is getting to be too much to handle. What do I want to do? When was the last time I wanted to do something or be something? Where am I to go? What am I to do? Why am I so weary of these questions? What am I trying to say? What words need flesh? What needs to be breathed into existence? Where am I missing the point? When will I arrive at that place, that spacious place I've been waiting for? What was I made to do, what was I made to be?

I wish I could be more patient. I wish I could see You more clearly and be content with the questions. I don't want to be afraid of a different life. I don't want to be afraid of letting go of what I love. I don't want to be afraid of losing... of failure. I don't want to be afraid of possibility.

The 100

1. I am at work. 2. I love my job. 3. I can’t believe that I am surrounded by people that are so uplifting… all the time. 4. I hope that I am just as uplifting as they are. 5. I enjoy asking my roommate random questions before we go to sleep at night. 6. Last night’s question was: “if you could sum up your life in one word, what would you want it to be?” 7. She answered: “Service.” 8. I answered: “Love.” 9. That reminds me of a conference I went to last summer… we were asked this question: “What is your shadow mission?” (a mission based on self-interest that is a skewed version of your God-given mission) 10. Mine came to mind fairly quickly. 11. I’m listening to “Boards of Canada” right now. 12. I’m really enjoying ambient music these days. 13. I’m exploring what it means to communicate in non-verbal ways. 14. Sometimes I am too verbal, I think. 15. I want my actions to line up with my words. 16. Leading a life of consistency and balance is one of my most important values. 17. I also value honesty. 18. I’m also afraid of honesty. 19. I like praying with people. 20. I feel like people are in a state of utmost honesty when they pray. 21. Listening to the sound of the Truth being preached through the walls of the prayer room is one of my favorite sounds. 22. If anyone I work with were to read this they’d probably give me a lot of Churchy Points for saying that. 23. But I truly believe it. 24. I hate being called Churchy. 25. There are few things that offend me more. 26. Whoo, that got my heart going. 27. On to better things. 28. I’m not doing so well at playing the mandolin. 29. I’m not getting in very much practice time. 30. If it weren’t so windy, I’d take it to the park and practice in the sun. 31. Then, I would have dinner with my dad. 32. Sometimes being with my dad is a strange mixture of encouragement and frustration. 33. Lately more frustration than encouragement. 34. Someone he is close to died recently. 35. I wish that times like these would drive him into Jesus’ arms for comfort. 36. I know they do, but he fights His embrace pretty hard. 37. I don’t believe him when he tells me that he’s far from God. 38. I believe he’s closer than he thinks… he’s just scared as hell (and scared of hell). 39. Again, I wish he’d run to Jesus. 40. I can hear Anchordown practicing right now. 41. They’re playing the song “Thank You for Loving Me”. 42. It’s bringing tears to my eyes. 43. I love that sound, too… the sound of worship practice through the walls of my office. 44. “Practicing worship” is an interesting phrase. 45. “Practicing worship” should overtake “Worship Practice”. 46. I recently was able to truly practice worship during a worship practice. 47. It was incredibly refreshing and real. 48. I can’t believe I’m on #48. 49. There are so many things I should be doing right now. 50. This list is not one of them. 51. I need to make a phone call regarding the printing of new programs for Living Stones. 52. I can’t stand talking on the phone. 53. Text messaging is even worse (but I do it anyway). 54. Texting isn’t even a word. 55. It has a squiggly red line beneath it. 56. That never signifies anything positive. 57. Misspellings can be funny. 58. The church recently made new coffee cart coupons and there was an awesome typo on the back. 59. Instead of “specialty” coffees, it says “speciality” coffees. 60. I’m not sure if Grace or Living Stones can call coffee it’s “speciality”. 61. We’re getting new coffee soon. 62. It’s Rwandan coffee… buying it supports local farmers and helps rebuild the war-torn country. 63. Shameless plug. 64. I actually had this coffee at a conference last fall. 65. Didn’t really like it—but it wasn’t brewed very well, that’s why. 66. I’m fairly certain that I make my coffee too strong. 67. I’ll probably get an ulcer or something. 68. But, by gosh, I love coffee. I will love it to the end. 69. Good to the last drop, right? 70. Hmmm… Brandon Heath just came on my iTunes playlist. 71. I have mixed feelings about his music. 72. I like it most of the time. 73. He is a good looking fellah. 74. “Fellah” is a strange word. 75. It looks Arabic. 76. What a language that is! 77. I’ve heard that speaking it can be equated with trying to talk with a spoonful of peanut butter in your mouth. 78. Sign me up… NOT. 79. I have a friend that used to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter. 80. He used to put a divot in the center with his tongue and put chocolate sauce in the center. 81. Chocolate makes everything better. 81. I miss that friend. 82. He is with the Lord. 83. Sometimes I picture him in heaven. 84. He’s in a log cabin house (which Jesus’ hands built together with his hands) with light streaming in and around and through the house. 85. There’s tall grass surrounding it—blowing in a gentle breeze. 86. It may not be Biblically accurate and good eschatology… but it’s a comforting picture for my feeble mind to wrap itself around. 87. My phone just rang… it startled me! 88. I love drinking room temperature water. 89. Not too cold, but not at all warm. 90. I’m going to a softball game tonight. 91. I wonder if it will be cancelled because of the wind. 92. If so, no bother… I’ve got plenty to keep me occupied at home. 93. I love saying the word “home”. 94. It feels good to have some semblance of a home on this earth. 95. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that way. 96. This list is 3 pages long at 12-point font. 97. Again, I’m probably too verbal. 98. But it feels good to write and to be myself. 99. I hope Jesus is pleased with that.

Clean & Green

Well, well... it would seem that being on Facebook has already assisted in my chronic blog neglect. I feel compelled to keep things as coherent as possible -- and Facebook, although beneficial for up-to-date info -- does not lend itself well to deeper contemplation. Hence, the blog. 

So... today marked the first of four community clean-up events in Reno during the month of April: Clean & Green. Other than getting my nose sunburnt (which isn't half bad since it is a sign that summer is near), I was reminded of much Truth.

Romans 8 tells us that creation was subjected to futility, but not willingly, and eagerly awaits the revealing of the sons of God; and today, during Clean & Green, some friends and I found a culvert that was absolutely screaming for redemption. We picked up more than 6 HUGE bags of garbage and made a pretty significant dent. However, there was so much more garbage to meet the eye than that of the physical. This culvert seemed to be subjected to the histories, futilities and idolatries of so many hurting people. Most of the garbage we picked up told of men and women who were held captive by substances, addictions, hopelessness... it was difficult to uncover so much garbage only to find more, and more, and more. 

If anything, today served as a reminder to get on with the job. There is so much -- too much -- that holds me back from being an agent of redemption in the world. It's all selfish. Creation's eagerly awaiting, the Holy Spirit's groaning, and Jesus is interceding for this miracle of redemption -- a work into which even angels long to look. How often am I aligned with these things?

I'm glad that this work will be finished one day. I'm glad that death will no longer reign in these mortal bodies and in the blink of an eye we will all be changed. The culvert and I are pretty happy about that. 

The World Is Now A Smaller Place

Okay, so the blog neglect is truly out of hand ... but if any of you still peruse this page, you should know this: I finally joined Facebook today. I know, I know ... I have vehemently fought it for a looooong time. I've given excuses, I've forgone fulfilling friend requests, deleting them from my inbox with trembling hands, trying so hard not to give in. But ... ironically enough ... my voice teacher is requiring me to do it. So, I've gone and done it. Moral of the story ... I'd love to be in touch. Hopefully this will help. Peace to you!