'Balance' vs. A Flood of Thoughts

The piano comes in with a simple motive. The saxophone and trumpet follow in unison with a stern proclamation. The bass and drums form a forgiving framework and assert themselves sparingly and appropriately. Then confusion takes root and grows through the instruments -- each is left to fend for itself. Yet, this season ultimately gives way to a return to the motive -- the point of departure coexists as the point of arrival. This song, called 'Balance', is one of my favorites and is a redemptive part of jazz's disappointing recent history. It reminds me to return to the Truth -- in spite of confusion -- even when balance is that last thing that seems possible.

All of this is to say... I don't know what I'm talking about. Balance seems impossible to me, more often than not, these days. I want to know what I'm talking about, I want to unlock something... Yet, I don't know where to start. I know there is still something brewing inside of me, but I don't know what it is or where it is going. The frustration is getting to be too much to handle. What do I want to do? When was the last time I wanted to do something or be something? Where am I to go? What am I to do? Why am I so weary of these questions? What am I trying to say? What words need flesh? What needs to be breathed into existence? Where am I missing the point? When will I arrive at that place, that spacious place I've been waiting for? What was I made to do, what was I made to be?

I wish I could be more patient. I wish I could see You more clearly and be content with the questions. I don't want to be afraid of a different life. I don't want to be afraid of letting go of what I love. I don't want to be afraid of losing... of failure. I don't want to be afraid of possibility.