Today At Preschool ....

I don't know if I have mentioned this or not, but one of my three jobs (the other two being: Sales Associate at American Eagle Outfitters [just a fancy way of saying "I work there"] and live-in nanny) is substitute teaching at a Christian Preschool. What a blast and what a challenge. But today if just made me laugh ... oh, yes ... so I show up after lunch time and one of the girls immediately says to me, "You look like a Chinese person!" ... oh my word, I wanted to roll on the floor. I think I'm the most racially ambiguous person in the world. I'm an Irish-Norwegian-Austrian-German American who has been told she looks like she's Chinese, Mexican, Hawaiian ... Puerto Rican? Italian? I'd have to have some friends help me remember what else I am. What a riot. Then, as we were praying for their teacher (who has a nasty cold) one of the girls just started praying for people who fall out of roller coasters at Disneyland. This is most likely because we were talking about the Good Samaritan and when I asked the kids how they could help people, one of the boys said that they could help people who had fallen out of roller coasters. Makes sense. So funny. Just thought I'd share.

One Year On ... Someday.

I have to admit ... it feels good to sit here and blog at this moment. It's nice to be able to sit at this computer at UNR and write a bit. The fact that the writing has nothing to do with projects, formal e-mails to professors, papers or deadlines certainly helps. I first have to say that I have enjoyed the influx of e-mails in the last week or so ... Now that we (the LTS of 04-05) are "One Year On", I think we are each taking stock and evaluating what our Lord has done. It is good to hear from all --- words of conviction, words of encouragement, all brimming with the personalities God has created to glorify Him. I miss all of you and think of you often (not just LTS, everyone I had the pleasure of meeting and knowing and loving at Capernwray Harbour). It's funny, though ... I don't really feel as if I am one year on. My time at Capernwray didn't follow the usual September to May timeclock (if there is even such a thing) ... it was more like, September to December, December to August, September to December, December to March, March to October ... a lot happens in the in between. A lot. A lot of joy, a lot the knitting together of hearts, a lot of life, a lot of flesh, a lot of reality. A lot of which I am still recovering from. Leaving Capernwray 6 months ago was the hardest thing I have ever done. I often recall Richard Dahlstrom's teaching of Genesis, specifically that of Joseph, when I think about the situation ... the death of a dream. I still remember when he taught it my first year ... tears came to his eyes. My eyes filled with tears, as well. They are now. What a painful part of the human experience ... yet so necessary. How dare we take the dream God has given and refuse to submit it to His hand. I realize now that this was in many ways what I had done. God brought me to Capernwray to reveal to me a dream, and I refused to submit it to His hand and allow Him to give and take away ... I struggled with the belief that I could live or be alive outside of Capernwray ... not just the supposed "bubble" or "safe-haven" ... but away from the family that I had come to love so deeply, away from what I loved doing, away from what I had thought to be my purpose. I have struggled in Reno to remember my purpose. Much of the time I feel as if I have none --- but only because it doesn't look like I thought my purpose to be. I have despaired many times in believing that God is done with me. Really done with me. I have honestly thought that His only purpose for me would be to die with grace and humor and dignity. How hopeless this belief has been and how unwilling it has made me to open up to Him, let alone trust and surrender ... I have rather been afraid of Him many, many times. Yet, He is relentless in His pursuit to bring me to the Truth. Always. I am ever under His careful instruction and I am still trained by the yoke of His sufferings. His persistence is unrelenting --- and I am thankful for that although sometimes it is the very thing that frightens me the most. I have asked Him so many times not to give up on me, and He has yet to show any indication of doing so ... He is good. There has also been so much to be thankful for: - Spending so much time with my dad ... what a joy. I love laughing with him, talking politics, talking jazz, watching "The Simpson's" and quoting it relentlessly, remembering things I had forgotten, drinking coffee with him ... so wonderful. - Talking to my mom on the phone and having her voice sound like the mom I remember and love ... she reassures me and comforts me when I am aching. I get so excited when I talk to her on the phone, so excited that I pace around the house the whole time and talk a million miles a minute -- and this is from someone who hates talking on the phone! - School has been awesome. My classes have sent my head spinning in so many directions and I have often felt unable to process everything I've received ... but I have been so thankful for the challenge. The biggest challenge has been genuinely asking God what He thinks of everything, what answers He gives to all of the questions that surround us. He fulfills them all. Truly. This semester I have seen that there is a tension in our world, a tension made by seeking the answers to these questions of God and waiting for the answers --- it is the tension that keeps us in dependence upon our Father, all the pieces of us. It's the tension of the meantime, while we wait for His complete redemption --- everyone knows it --- the whole world knows it. The rocks know it. The trees know it. And they want to know God. They really do. I still pray that I am a willing vessel, bringing the best news, the Good News, the news everyone wants to hear but doesn't know what channel it's on. I am so thankful that God has brought me back to school, if only to learn this -- begin to learn it anyway. He is still walking with me, still teaching me. A long time ago, I asked God what it meant for Him to "carry us". I think this is part of what I have and am still learning. This lesson offers many painful moments of wondering if He's there, of looking at the ground beside you and seeing no footprints of His presence. But He is there. He has been reminding me again and again of Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." The thought of being His student alongside Him dispells the lies of loneliness. We can be right at His side, learning from Him, enjoying His rest, laughing, crying, all of it. We can have life in its fullness at His side, under His labor and care. I could go on ... but I won't. I know how hard it is to read posts that are this long, and I thank you if you've made it to the end. If you've skimmed it, thanks. If you comment, thanks. If you don't comment, thanks. In everything, thanks. Press further on and further in friends ... I look forward to being "one year on" someday.