And I'm sure, for the first time, I would quietly listen.

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you today. For no reason in particular. Just thinking. If we were to talk, I'm sure there's a lot you would say. And I'm sure, for the first time, I would quietly listen.

We're Taking This Lying Down

Watch a CNN news story about the situation in Uganda for which this demonstration is taking place. For a promo of the Global Night Commute, click here. I became aware of all of this a few nights ago through my roommate Andrea, who I come to admire more and more for her genuine concern for people. I highly recommend watching the CNN video, if you have the time. This demonstration, the Global Night Commute, is taking place all over the world (although this video only mentions America). The demonstration is in order to raise awareness about the ongoing war in Uganda, a situation that is spread over country lines and into many parts of Africa. The website is very informative, as well. I recommend the faq page. "Is this not the fast I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, and undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke?" (Isaiah 58:6) I know that God doesn't need any public sleepovers to prove His point, but He is so clear about where His heart is. He loves. And He acts on it. "Arise, shine; for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you." (Isaiah 60:1)

It Smelled Like Spring Today ...

After a few weeks of on and off snow, it was refreshing to see the sun today. It was good. There's healing involved in being able to drive with the windows down, arm out, blasting Coldplay's "Fix You" loud enough for everyone to sing along. There's much more I would like to say, but not now. There is much to be said about the exclusivity between a person and their God. And the truth is, sometimes I say too much. I was reminded today that the most beautiful victories in this life go unseen by human eye ... kept secret, kept sacred. Ultimately, this intimacy will lead to the manifestation of His sweet fragrance in our lives ... and with it He will reach His world.

"... for if there is one thing more certain than another, it is that the development of hinds' feet is a secret process, demanding that there should be no onlookers." -Hannah Hurnard

So ... that's all. Go to Him.

BY THE WAY, AS A SIDE NOTE, I TRIED GOOGLING "RENO IN SPRING" SO I COULD HAVE A PICTURE WITH THIS POST, AND GUESS WHAT CAME UP? A PICTURE OF JANET RENO FROM HARVARD'S SPRING LAW REVIEW AND A PICTURE OF SPRING DR. IN RENO COVERED IN 5 FT. OF SNOW. I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLY FUNNY. I TRIED UPLOADING THE PICTURES BUT THEY WERE COPYWRITTEN ... COPYWRITED ... WHATEVER ... RATS TO THAT!

One Lump or Two?

Upon looking at my profile I noticed something ... it has been viewed by 93 people. 93 people? How does this work? Who are you? What are you about? I will probably never know ... but thanks for stopping by. I consider both your intentional and mistaken appearances as brief chats over hot cups of herbal tea (for we don't want to be kept up all night). If you know me, you know I enjoy that kind of thing. Come again.

Thy Mercy, My God ...

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song, the joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue. Thy free grace alone from the first to the last has won my affections and bound my soul fast. Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here. Sin would reduce me to utter despair. But, through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revive, and He that first made me still keeps me alive. Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart, which wonders to feel its own hardness depart, dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground and weep for the praise of the mercy I've found [found me, rather]. Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own and the covenant love of Thy crucified Son. All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

This is a song by Sandra McCracken. The name may seem unfamiliar, but I'm sure we would all be familiar with her work, she's pretty prolific. Her latest CD (which she produced with her husband Derek Webb, another favorite of mine) has been a comforting soundtrack to my life in the last week or so. In the last little while, I have been very much aware of my need for God's mercy ... Very simple, but very real. It's easy to shove the principle of mercy aside, sticking it on the shelf of worn out Christian idioms ... You might place it somewhere in between John 3:16 and Sunday School felt boards and be content to leave it there. It sits in the archives of "stuff we already know". But I know that I don't know it. I've put it on that shelf many times and God always picks it up and opens it up for me in countless ways, reminding me in fear and trembling that I need Him and His mercy desperately. This morning in the car, all I could ask was for His mercy. It was 9:30 in the morning. If things had gone according to schedule, I would have made this drive about two hours before. I had a paper due in my 8am class (which I slept through) and my 9am class was a lost cause. I had slept through my alarm, in fact, I probably shut it off and went back to sleep -- I can't remember. I was mortified. Why? Probably reputation. Bad grades. There are countless things that, when stripped away, leave us bare and aware of our need of an Advocate. I deserved to be punished. In a way, I wanted to be punished, to feel like I could pay for the mistake myself and be done with it. But I can't. It frustrates me that I can't, but what on earth could I possibly do to make it right? Where did I get the idea that I could? This self-life of mine constantly needs to be submitted and laid very low. And He showed Himself good .... While looking for my professor, she actually found me and gladly accepted my paper. And as I worried about the remainder of the day, about how I would be able to both work and fill a commitment I had made to cook dinner for a new mom in my bible study and make it to my evening class on time .... Just saying it makes me tired ... He cancelled my shift for the day and gave me the freedom of an afternoon for other things. At the end of a day like this, it's easy for me to feel paralyzed. At times it's a stillness of awe, but mostly it's the trembling fear of a child faced with a love she doesn't understand and wanting desperately to respond to it, but at a loss of knowing how. I don't really understand why He is so good to me. The circumstances He delivered me from are so small, but it I can barely put a "thank you" past my lips. A "thank you" seems too small. In that moment it's easy to just shut off, and I often do. It's easy to try and brush off the guilt and console yourself with an empty "thanks" and carry on. Lucky for us we can't. But we can surrender and know that, in Christ, our willingly offered lives bring Him pleasure and honor and He is more than abundant to satisfy His own requirements, including that of a thankful heart. He is not only the motivation, but the sustenance of a thankful heart and life. I want to know this stronger more deeply. I'm glad He keeps taking His mercy off the shelf and reminding me to drink deep. "Thy mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:23

It's been a while ...

I guess so much has happened lately and so much time has past that the thought of blogging has become overwhelming to me. So overwhelming. I've started a few posts in the last couple of weeks, but I always end up reaching for the backspace and inevitably, back to square one --- and wondering if blogging is the right thing for me. I look back at some of the posts of the past months and it truly has been such a relief to express these things ... but at what cost? I'm finding that it is difficult to be in the blogging world and still be engaged in my surroundings, as well. Does anyone else find it hard? At times I feel as if I pour so much investment into sharing my heart and thoughts here that I have a hard time investing elsewhere. The e-mails to reply to, the people that I WANT to reply to, are piling up again ... I'm not sure if the people I love know they are loved ... and am I really loving them if only in thought? How can it be love if not conceived to action? So ..... I'm just thinking things over. I am somewhat confident that this will not be my last post, but some things have to change. Just one last thing ..... in my language class we talked about blogging and how it is connecting more people than ever before; but we are dangerously and painfully more isolated as a people than ever before. I wonder if it's true.

The List

There are so many thoughts swimming through my head right now. I suppose school will do that to me. I really need to vent some things. First of all, I like lists. They are helpful to me. Not because I use them to keep organized ... but I seem to enjoy writing things down, whether there is a reason or not, it's thereputic.

1. I'm in a language/linguistics class. It's pretty interesting, but it's making me notice things in myself that I don't like. I don't like how my language changes in different situations. I don't like how my diction is elevated when I'm in class. I don't like how it's so sarcastic when I talk to people I care about. I don't like how it is sheepish and reserved when I meet new people. Am I being who I am, am I all of these things?
2. I'm tired of hearing about the machine. Fight the "machine". Rage against the "machine". That's just how the "machine" works. What? Are we degraded to an object with no empathy, no capability for real growth -- just upgrade and decay? Or are we just in a machine that we have no control over? How do we fight it? Are we supposed to fight it? Is it even there? Or did we just invent it in order to have something to talk about?
3. Why am I housesitting in order to earn money in order to live in a house that I'm unable to live in because I'm housesitting?
4. I am so overwhelmed. Not with homework. Not with the cost of education. I'm overwhelmed by the culture of it all. I don't want to be one of the people who walk around this campus dead faced and engrossed in my iPod. I don't want to be accepted into the intellectually elite at the cost of really knowing and loving people ... I don't want to have the best ideas. I don't want to get full credit for participation because I said what I know the professor wanted to hear and appeased the textbook authors by developing the thoughts that they were steering me to develop. How do I escape this?
5. I don't remember what it was like before. I don't recall what I was thinking three and a half years ago when I encountered all of this for the first time. I wish I could remember, maybe then I wouldn't feel so crazy. I don't think I skimmed over these emotions and thoughts, but at the same time, wouldn't I know it if I had? I guess I didn't necessarily expect to face these things again .... but perhaps I'm facing it again so that I can think differently about it this time. Maybe it can be new and true.
6. I think what it's all coming down to is the renewal of the mind. Our minds are going to get cluttered with propaganda, events, feelings, opinions ... but the Lord wants to take it all and sift and process it into something pure and real. Something we can adhere to and embrace, rather than turn away in disgust. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. For through grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has alotted to each a measure of faith." (Romans 12:2-3)
7. Lists are so helpful to me.