The List

There are so many thoughts swimming through my head right now. I suppose school will do that to me. I really need to vent some things. First of all, I like lists. They are helpful to me. Not because I use them to keep organized ... but I seem to enjoy writing things down, whether there is a reason or not, it's thereputic.

1. I'm in a language/linguistics class. It's pretty interesting, but it's making me notice things in myself that I don't like. I don't like how my language changes in different situations. I don't like how my diction is elevated when I'm in class. I don't like how it's so sarcastic when I talk to people I care about. I don't like how it is sheepish and reserved when I meet new people. Am I being who I am, am I all of these things?
2. I'm tired of hearing about the machine. Fight the "machine". Rage against the "machine". That's just how the "machine" works. What? Are we degraded to an object with no empathy, no capability for real growth -- just upgrade and decay? Or are we just in a machine that we have no control over? How do we fight it? Are we supposed to fight it? Is it even there? Or did we just invent it in order to have something to talk about?
3. Why am I housesitting in order to earn money in order to live in a house that I'm unable to live in because I'm housesitting?
4. I am so overwhelmed. Not with homework. Not with the cost of education. I'm overwhelmed by the culture of it all. I don't want to be one of the people who walk around this campus dead faced and engrossed in my iPod. I don't want to be accepted into the intellectually elite at the cost of really knowing and loving people ... I don't want to have the best ideas. I don't want to get full credit for participation because I said what I know the professor wanted to hear and appeased the textbook authors by developing the thoughts that they were steering me to develop. How do I escape this?
5. I don't remember what it was like before. I don't recall what I was thinking three and a half years ago when I encountered all of this for the first time. I wish I could remember, maybe then I wouldn't feel so crazy. I don't think I skimmed over these emotions and thoughts, but at the same time, wouldn't I know it if I had? I guess I didn't necessarily expect to face these things again .... but perhaps I'm facing it again so that I can think differently about it this time. Maybe it can be new and true.
6. I think what it's all coming down to is the renewal of the mind. Our minds are going to get cluttered with propaganda, events, feelings, opinions ... but the Lord wants to take it all and sift and process it into something pure and real. Something we can adhere to and embrace, rather than turn away in disgust. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. For through grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has alotted to each a measure of faith." (Romans 12:2-3)
7. Lists are so helpful to me.

Back To It

Well, here I am .... one of the thousands of computers at the UNR campus, amidst a phonic sea of typing and obnoxious cell phone ringtones (the most popular right now seems to be Golddigger remix). And some of the key strokes penetrating the air are mine. It's surreal. I feel as if I've gone back in time .... really. The last two years have seemed a breath. But they were not. So now I am longing to see what the Lord has in store. I am longing for vision and discernment. I am longing to see the significance and desire He ascribes to the people and things around me. I hope my eyes are open and upward to see Him deliver .... time for class .... hope you're all well.

Anchordown and Reflections On Being Small

This is a two for one deal ... Two posts that I intended to make are becoming one package deal ... I hope they can co-exist as smoothly as possible. Well, if you would kindly direct your attention to my sidebar, you will find a link for something called Anchordown. Well, I'll be nice, if you click here you will find it. It is a band that was born of the body at Living Stones, a beloved community of believers of which I am a part. Again, that link is there, too. Check it out. Anyway, last night (Friday) was their CD release party ... Many stories, many reflections on God's goodness were shared, but I wanted to share their music with you all. I have been so impressed with the authenticity, importance and urgency in their lyrics and lives. If you are able and your heart is provoked in agreement with what they share with you, please consider supporting them somehow. An encouraging word, buying the CD, prayer ... As a body, can we not come alongside? Okay, I'm off my soapbox. As for the second part of this post, provoked by Anchordown songs "No Shadow To Hide" and "Little Dreams", I've been thinking a lot about being small. Yes, small in stature, I know ... But small in life, in thought, in deed. In some ways, it is my choice to be small, and even to shrink. In some ways I have chosen to hide in the shadows, afraid of sharing gifts that God has given me in fear of my own pride, my own selfish conceit. But God is a God of growth ... And He does not allow us to hide in the shadows. Before the immense Light that He is, we are completely exposed, flaws and gifts alike ... But to that He says, "My grace is sufficient for you". To my small life He says, "I am bigger than your fear of pride, step out and I will keep you humble." In Hebrews (and this may be totally out of context) but God says that if we shrink back He will have no pleasure with us ... The author then says that we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe. I don't want to shrink into the shadows anymore, but rather entrust this small, frail life to the one who will grow it. He who began a good work in you will Himself perfect and complete it until the day of Christ Jesus ... It is good to be small ... For the one who is small will always reach out beyond his grasp.

Love

Oh, how I wanted to know that God loved me today. I needed it so badly. And it was written all over my experience today. Not in expected ways, not in Elijah's earthquakes or fierce winds, but the gentle blowing ... The kind that wraps you, is just strong enough to remove the breath from your lungs and moves the trees with the softest touch. In small ways ... This God, this great King, is continually acting in ways I am slowly -- very slowly -- coming to understand. This love of God was penned in wretched heartbreak, sealed by weeping, but coupled with assurance of Truth. It's occurring to me more and more and more ... That love truly changes everything. This love of God, proven on the cross, acknowledged by some, craved by all ... Is the difference. If there lies any doubt in any sphere of our being, it is directly related to the fact that we are not believing that God loves us. What else would the problem be? Is there even a problem at all? Isn't He satisfactory, completely abundant? This love of Christ is secure (Romans 8:31-39). This love of Christ is proven (Romans 5:8-10). This love of Christ is ours (John 17:25-26). How differently a child acts when he or she knows they are loved. They stand up tall. They are not afraid to speak their minds. They live an uninhibited life, unphased and unhindered by the status quo. But most of all, they share it. They share this love in every thinkable capacity, to ALL who are in their path. "Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him ... For the LOVE of Christ CONTROLS us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf ... Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. " (2 Corinthians 5:9, 14-15, 20). His love changes what we think, what we do, and who we are. I pray, brothers and sisters, that you would know that you are loved. It changes everything.

Trista Marie (sorrowful one made perfect)

In true form, here we are, my best friend Trista and myself. This dear friend of mine is getting married in June ... wow. She is finally going somewhere I cannot go. We've been apart since we were 18, only seeing each other about once a year, but when has it ever been about geography? She is plumbing depths that I have yet experience, and I can't go with her. She is entering a covenant that is so beautiful, such potential for the glory of God. It has been encouraging to see her grow and mature into a wife, and still growing into the role --- more and more daily --- I love and respect her increasingly and am so honored to call her friend. Yet, I have undergone wave upon wave of intense emotion. I have listened intently as she describes her feelings and convictions about what is to come ... it's so praiseworthy; theirs is a story full of joy, full of sorrow, full of glory ... full of trust. In listening to and observing her, I have stumbled upon a wealth of pain that I thought had long since left me. I can't seem to refuse the doubt that the Lord has anything in store for me in this regard. Its a nagging wound, quick to reopen and slow to heal. Yet I must refuse this doubt. I must trust. Not in marriage, not even in the potential for marriage on this earth, but I must trust that the Lord will not withhold any good thing from any of His children... from me. His grace is sufficient for me. Not grace plus marriage. He doesn't promise husbands, wives, children ... He promises what we need ... He promises Himself and at a perilous cost has made Himself available to fulfill those roles for us and through us should they arise. Do I believe Him? I still want to. I still do. Last night was probably the last time we will be together before the wedding. Next stop: Iowa. I will never forget the look in Trista's eyes. She was saying something incredible, I know it. Her eyes don't lie. But I didn't understand it. For the first time I didn't understand. Oh, Lord ......... have Your way.

Starbucks, I Love You

This is the marking of my new favorite drink at Starbucks ... the Cinnamon Dulce Latte. I'm a sucker for cinnamon in my coffee and have always enjoyed Mexican Mochas (yes, it's because I'm Mexican : ) and the word "dulce" in musical terms implies sweetness in the delivery ... ahhhh ... the caffeine doesn't hurt, either. Yum. So go out and get a Grande when you get the chance (apparently it's the best value ... true story!!).

I Boast No More

No More My God, I boast no more of all the duties I have done. I quit the hopes I held before, to trust the merits of Thy Son.

No more my God, no more my God, no more my God, I boast no more.

Now, for the loss I bear his name, what was my gain I count my loss. My former pride I call my shame and nail my glory to His cross.

Yes, and I must, I will esteem all things but loss for Jesus' sake. O may my soul be found in Him and of His righteousness partake. Amen, amen.

The best obedience of my hands dares not appear before Thy throne. But faith can answer Thy demands by pleading what my Lord has done.

"I Boast No More" -- Isaac Watts, Caedmon's Call

These words have been ringing through my head the last few months. Especially the chorus. I don't remember where I heard this, but I was told once that in Scripture, when things are repeated three times it is specifically for the purpose of EMPHASIS. Not mere assertion but complete certainty and undeniability. When the seraphim call out "Holy, Holy, Holy" in praise of God, THEY ARE NOT THROWING THOSE WORDS AROUND as I easily do, and so many of us do. Each time the chorus of this song cries out "No more, my God" I hear it. I hear the utter frustration with the flesh, the longing for sanctification, and the burning desire to be laid completely down ... to let faith in Christ be the answer for the demands we cannot meet. I'll probably write more about this later, but being in Oregon right now is teaching me this ... I hope you're all well and CHOOSING to be laid down.