Tenudo

Well .... here I am. It is all too overwhelming to try and capture all that has happened since the last post .... but rather than filing it all away in the "too much time and effort to blog about" pile, I'll employ a helpful tactic: a list. I've made them before, and they do help. So, without further ado, "The List" part two (I didn't intend to rhyme, but I like it anyway).

1. The title of this post comes from a musical symbol which, when written over a note, implies that a note be held out for its full value -- and even exceed the limits of its value a little bit. That is what each day has felt like since the beginning of the semester. Each day is held out for it's full value -- not to the point of crossing the lines of time and space -- but full nonetheless. I wish I could say that I perceive each moment's fullness as God intends, but honestly, at times .... I'm just busy. There are days in which I run from one thing to the next and I don't see my little nest for 18 hours. Yet, I cannot deny that I am thankful for each of the things placed in my life for one reason or another.
2. One of those things is school. I love school. It's a frightening thought, but I can see myself being a perpetual student, ultimately to assume my place as the eccentric older lady sitting in the front of the classroom, laughing at the most inappropriate times. Oh, the joy .... I think I'm exaggerating a little bit, but I am enjoying myself. I'm taking mostly Music classes: theory, history, choir, piano, a voice lesson .... and an English Lit class (I'm testing the waters to see if I want to minor in it). Each class has a wonderful professor, each class has taught me so many interesting things, and each class has offered me both joy and challenge. It's funny .... I still don't know what I'm doing, but my feet are moving. A few weeks ago, I was in the car with my dad. I was having a bit of an overwhelming moment as I contemplated everything on the plate before me, and doubting that the "things" in my life had purpose. As I was on the verge of tears, my dad said something so clear and beautiful. He said, "I know that you're on the right track." It was straight from the mouth of God. Yes, parents are often known to say such things, but I know that neither my Heavenly Father nor my earthly father would say this unless it were true. I know that God is unique and none of His plans can be thwarted. The path He orchestrates, with its turns, rocks, roots, hills and vales is sure to be completed. If we are chosen of God, this is our reality. We will hear Him saying "This is the Way ... walk in it" whether we turn to the right or to the left. So .... all is well.
3. I've also recently started singing at my church. It has been a privilege to communicate in this way again. Its also so wonderful to get to know the Family better, with all their quirks and glories. It is an honor to serve alongside and be related to such favorites as: lead guitarists in their own little worlds, friendly and encouraging bass players, women who embody Proverbs 31 to the extreeeeeeeme, prayerful and humble little drummer boys, and leaders, visionaries rather, whose lives are lived in unbelievable honesty. I consider myself the least of such a band of troubadours, but so thankful to be with them, to learn from them. It is a challenge to serve in this way and there exists a seriousness and responsibility with proclaiming the Truth and communicating this way. I often feel dirty, exposed and unworthy as I stand before the congregation. But a few days ago, the Lord led me to John chapter 8, the story of the adulterous woman (caught in the act) who is set free. It's interesting. Even after the stones of judgment have departed with the hands that carried them, the woman continues to stand in her shame. Jesus askes her, "Who is it that comdemns you?" There is no one. He then says, "Neither do I. Go. And sin no more." I am often like this woman. Even after judgment has been undone, I still choose to stand in my shame -- shame of the past, present, future -- the very shame of which Christ has made me more than a conqueror through Him. Yet, Christ says to go. Do no dwell on the shame. Go live. Go and enjoy the freedom of no longer being a slave to sin. Go and proclaim what He has done before the congregation and do not restrain your lips. I am thankful to be learning this, slowly arriving to it alongside such a patient and gentle Teacher.
4. There is much more to say .... but it will all come out in time. In the meantime, I am thankful for those of you who, in your blog hopping, have visited the blog called Brown with laughter and rolled eyes because of its painful neglect (and yet you still come back). I send you my love. I remain your friend. I remain your servant.

According to my blog, I really am forever 21!

To the eyes which grace this page (but more importantly the people behind them), I issue an apology for the lapse in posting. The last part of summer (after the Wedding Tour) has proven to be quite busy, indeed. Work + work + work + lack of internet access = no blogging for Kristine Brown. Yet this equation has been a nice change ... I really like to work hard and I've learned so much. School starts in a few days, and as I sit in the library, many students scurry around me to finish up their preparations. I must go and do the same. Friends, hold fast to your confession of faith without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. This has been returning to me again and again as the weeds and tares of the world spring up to unearth the seeds He has sown in my life. Hold on tight and remember that you are held onto.

Forever 21

It kind of makes me laugh that there is actually a clothing store by this name .... mostly because I can't imagine what it would be like to be 21 forever. To be honest, completely honest, the thought of being 21 forever makes me want to run far, far away and hide, hide, hide. I'm quite glad that my 21st year has now given way to the 22nd on this very HOT, very beauitful summer day. My 21st year was the perpetual waiting room ... I waited and waited, the entire year, for many things. However, the waiting did not give way to hope, for I waited for what was not worthy to be waited on. In the process of waiting for the Lord to show me the right way to go (i.e. the right ministry, the right church to invest in) I went the wrong way and forsook many "today"s. I waited so much for what was "right" that I missed out on much of "now" and found that my life was "wrong". Lots of quotes. (just pretend they are all accompanied by the hand motions : ) Yet, the Lord counts my life anything but a waste .... He has performed much, even in the midst of my waiting. And better yet, He still offers an outstretched hand which beckons me to jump in and enjoy today with Him. I am thankful today. "Those who hopefully wait for ME will not be put to shame" (Isaiah 49:23) -- a beautiful promise from a beautiful God.

Definitely The Next Blog Trend

Whilst I was at Capernwray Harbour, I was exposed to the brave new world of Photobooth and its many devices. At first I was really self-conscious with it, but I must now admit that I find it very entertaining. Here are some gems from my recent visit with my dear friend Erin in Bellingham (and by recent I mean right now .... I haven't left yet). Hope all is well for all of you!

Still Enjoying ...

What a holiday this has been. Before I left for this "Wedding Tour", I questioned whether or not I was really meant to go .... I was ready to cancel my ticket and call the whole thing off. However, I am so thankful that the Lord stilled my hand. This whole adventure has been one of deep and meaningful healing for me. It has been filled with everything: excitement, reunion, deep sorrow, abundant comfort, meaningful conversation, welcomed quiet .... The Lord has reminded me and assured me of what is really important: to love Him and love others, genuinely and urgently, and to BE nourishment for them through the abundant resources of Christ. The 5,000 were fed by bread that was broken. And we too are this broken bread, broken in thanksgiving, multiplied to the glory of God. Friends, may we not be afraid to be poured out and spent. Loss is gain. Death is the vehicle for Life. That's the Truth. I love you all, with the greatest affection. I will write more in detail soon .... but now I am still enjoying.

June 25th, 2006

Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow

". . . what shall I say? ’Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. ’Father, glorify Your name’ —John 12:27-28

As a saint of God, my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not from the hour, but out of the hour. We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them. Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

"O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free -- rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me. Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love; leading onward, leading homeward, to my glorious rest above. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore! How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, never-more; How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own; How for them He intercedeth watches o'er them from the throne. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, Love of every love the best; 'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'Tis a haven sweet of rest. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'Tis a heav'n of heav'ns to me; and it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee. Amen."