Other People's Music

Exprayeriment.

2011-11-27T14:51:00.001-08:00

Today, I decided to try an experiment. Of prayer. An exprayeriment. (I also can't resist making entirely ridiculous words out of existing ones.)

Although I "know" I have a loving Father who desires to give good gifts to his children, has kind intentions toward me and a future vision for my life that is more beautiful, more glorious than anything I could conjure up, I don't ever ask him for anything.

It can be traced back to a lot of things... a lot of distortions. Unbelief in who the Father is and who I am as his daughter, because of the work of Jesus. Maybe you've recited the same dialogue I have:

To admit I want or need something reveals that I lack the ability or ingenuity to get it for myself.
My desires are probably dumb... probably wrong... probably not good for me and rooted in selfish motives anyway. I don't want God to think I'm foolish and selfish... and I definitely don't want to be wrong.
What if the answer is "no"? Can I handle the disappointment?

There's a lot wrong with all of those statements. Ha. We'll get to that rat's nest in a minute.

But first, I want to look at what kinds of prayers those beliefs produce. The prayers that proceed from this distorted heart are aloof, hovering above the surface but never plunging the depths. Very stoic, vague. Not at all vulnerable. Never expectant. Have a semblance of godliness but lacking its power. They're safe, highly prefaced prayers... full of excuses and loopholes through which to escape from taking ownership. They don't take a stand on anything, bank on anything, lean on anyone. They're faithless. They're nothing but the echoes of a white-washed tomb.

Now, the rat's nest. There are two sides to it. First, I do lack the ingenuity and ability to get my wants and needs. I do have selfish motives. I am foolish. I often don't know what's good for me. I do often ask for stones thinking that they're bread. But what is equally and even surpassingly true is that I have a Father who loves me. He loves me. And he wants to walk with me through these things. He doesn't want me to be aloof and pretend that these things are not true... he wants to walk alongside me in spite of my shortcomings and inabilities. He wants to gently discipline me, as a good Father does, to desire the things that are good. On the other side, I do have holy desires. I do desire things that are truly good. I do want things that would please him. He hears that, too! And if he doesn't fulfill these wants, I don't have to fear disappointment. I am not alone in it. He has his reasons for giving, for taking away, for deferring dreams, for waiting... and I can trust him. The question is, then, do I want to relinquish control of the outcome? Do I want to give up my meddling? Do I want to surrender to him and let him accomplish what he would intend, even if it's not what I want? Good questions.

The truth is, you have to start somewhere. And I will often choose to not begin the journey at all, it's too hard. But your heart is not going to change overnight and it is certainly not going to change by praying the prayers you think you ought to pray, the ones that "sound holy." If prayer is anything, it is honest. It is not pretty, it is often messy. It is more undignified than it is calm, cool and collected. Look at the prayers of Hannah (who was thought to be drunk because she poured out her heart before the Lord so earnestly), of David (who, if anything, didn't shy away from prayers that didn't "sound holy"), and even of Jesus himself... I don't think any of us could say that their vexation, despair or anxiety was unwarranted or that the Father was disappointed in them for praying in angst. Quite the opposite, in fact. Read up. See how the Father works with his children and turns mourning into dancing, fear into faith. It's beautiful and it's truth.

As a daughter of the Heavenly Father, my prayers are met with the same kind, loving, listening ear. I can pour out my heart—and exactly what's on it and in it—without fear of rejection. I can be mad. I can be sad. I can be scared. I can tell him exactly what I want. I can use names. I can be specific. And he will listen. He will answer. And he will change my heart along the way.

This morning, I exprayerimented. I asked for things. I told him what I wanted. I hold him how I was feeling. I poured out my heart exactly how it was... and what happened was beautiful. But I won't tell you what happened because I want you to find out for yourself.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." —James 1:5-8

The Buck Doesn't Stop Here.

2011-11-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Last week, we talked about financial giving at Living Stones. We talk about it quite a bit (and with good reason). Jesus addresses our heart's affections toward money more than any other topic, which should give us plenty of motivation to take a good, hard look at where we're storing up treasure.

Here are some hypotheticals. Spending a lot of money on entertainment? Maybe you worship comfort or look to it as an escape from your less-than-ideal reality. Are you just one swipe away from maxing out another credit card in order to furnish your wardrobe? Hmm. Could be vanity, could be insecurity, could be keeping up appearances. Sending a bunch of your Abe Lincolns, George Washingtons and Andrew Jacksons to restaurants, maybe multiple times a day? Maybe there's some laziness to address or opulence to confront.

Again, those are hypotheticals. But the principal remains: you put your money where your heart is. Pretty straightforward. God, however, even with the most talked-about topics, never stops unfolding deeper layers, uncovering what isn't readily visible. True to form, he opened my eyes to things I hadn't thought about as I listened to the sermon and as I continue to mull it over this week. See how the apostle John describes the kind of giving that goes on in heaven:

"...the twenty-four elders fall down before him who is seated on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They cast their crowns before the throne, saying, 'Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.'" —Revelation 4:10-11

Never before have I recognized how giving is truly an eternal activity. The buck really doesn't stop here. We don't make sacrifices—financial or otherwise—now and look forward to a day when we won't have to anymore. We give now because we're never going to stop giving! In giving, we're engaging in the very activity that we'll be doing for eternity... joyfully laying down all we are and all we have in praise of a very worthy God.

Does this sound like heaven to you? Always giving, always praising? If this doesn't sound good now, will it sound good to you when the time comes? If it doesn't sound good to us now, when will it sound good? Ever? Our view of who God is and what he's done for us is too often too small. He is completely and utterly worthy of all we have and are. When will the day come that we (and I) realize that? The pattern of heaven giving and praising, not hoarding and getting and keeping and gaining. The pattern of hell is all self, all the time. What's the pattern of your life? What's the pattern of mine?

Giving it Away: Notes from the A29 Bootcamp | Part 2

2011-06-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

Matt Chandler from The Village Church in Texas delivered the Word in the second session of the A29 Bootcamp. It was kind of nostalgic, in a way. I first heard him at Catalyst in October 2007. He was the "Token Reformed Guy"—haha. Crazy to think it’s been 4 years already! Since then, I’ve been an avid listener to The Village Church’s podcast and am consistently rocked and moved by the Holy Spirit through Chandler’s preaching. It was a particular joy and honor to experience this in person again.

What I appreciated most about Chandler was the fact that his stance was rooted in the present. He didn’t draw from wells of the past or potential wells of the future. He drew from his current experience in preaching the gospel to his flock. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying stored wisdom is a bad thing—it’s a very good thing, a treasured thing—but the fact that he specifically shared what God has been doing in the here and now made his teaching so much more relevant. This said so much to me without him having to say anything. This example served as a much-needed reminder to draw on the Triune God—our Living Water, the Giver of daily bread, our ever-present Helper—today. As I was with D.A. Carson, I was again admonished that yesterday’s insights are not nearly enough. This walk with Christ is not just meant to be comprised of past stories and future glories. It’s meant to be a daily, effectual, gracious abiding in and with our Savior. This is the hope of glory.

Chandler’s recent experience in the pulpit (preaching through Habakkuk) has driven him to desire a reawakening of gospel-centered preaching/teaching through the Old Testament. Heck yes! It’s a joy to see our Savior woven through the whole of the scriptures, and this joy is compounded as we learn more effective ways to behold him and lead others to do the same. Below are 7 approaches to preaching Christ in the Old Testament:

Redemptive, Historical Progression: The Bible is not about you. Stop trying to insert yourself where you and your people do not belong! Take, for example, the story of David and Goliath. You are not David. Your trials are not Goliath. David’s role is to point to Jesus and his redemptive, victorious work in the cross and resurrection. If anything, we’re the scared Israelites fleeing in unbelief who are in need of the Better David to rescue us. We are far too eager to be the heroes of every story, aren’t we? When teaching the OT to your people, rid yourself of this pride and just point to Jesus and the ways that his redemptive work is expounded.
Promise Fulfillment: Highlight passages that Jesus specifically fulfills in his person and work (e.g. Isaiah 51, Ezekiel 36, Jeremiah 2, Genesis 3 & 12).
Typology: This is where most people tend to camp out, probably because it’s the easiest of these 7 approaches. This is the focus on OT events (e.g. Passover, Exodus) and people (e.g. Boaz, Joshua, etc.) who foreshadow Christ.
Analogy: Look for parallels between OT and NT teaching. For instance, where the wisdom in Proverbs overlaps with Jesus’ or his apostles’ teachings.
Longitudinal Themes: Look for themes that soar across the two hemispheres of scripture, from Genesis to Revelation. For example, how the “fear of God” is threaded throughout the Bible from beginning to end, how Jesus is the final word and completion of this theme.
NT References: Look for instances in which Jesus or one of the apostles quotes OT passages (e.g. Isaiah 61... “this has been fulfilled in your hearing”).
Jesus Always Shows Up: The Old Testament is riddled with statements that cry for a Savior. What kind of teachers would we be if we didn’t answer these cries with the gospel? Chandler gives this example from Ecclesiastes and 1 Corinthians. While Ecclesiastes resoundingly states that your “toil is in vain,” 1 Corinthians gives an even stronger rebuttal, “your toil is not in vain”... because of Jesus. Look for the hunger for Jesus, the longing, the waiting in the OT—and allow Jesus to show up in power and glory.

If you're looking for more resources on this, they are abundant. Check out the Gospel Coalition or The Resurgence, for starters. Here's killer Keller article on the subject.

Printmaking at the Holland Project

2011-06-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

I love learning new things.

Paid a visit to The Holland Project today (a local cooperative of artists) for their free printmaking workshop. The emphasis was on printmaking without a press, which makes it a form accessible to many, cost effective and full of creative potential.

We started by discussing various forms of printmaking, including lots of things I hadn't considered to be part of the genre—like stenciling. Who knew? So diverse! I think the best part is that it's a vehicle that doesn't discriminate. It favors both the practical (e.g. home decor, scrapbooking... anything "crafty") and the philosophical (e.g. "high art")—and kinda marries the two. Very cool.

The two forms we used today were Sun Printing and Solvent Printing. Word to the wise... when you do Solvent Printing, make sure you're in a well-ventilated area. Otherwise... yikes.

Here's a quick breakdown of each:

Sun Printing—

Basically, it's a photographic process in which you expose treated paper to light while covering the areas you would like to protect from the chemical transformation. You can use any object with some degree of opacity (like a transparency with something printed on it, an object, etc.) to block the light and create the shape you want. We used the cyanotype method, which is the most common.
You'll need: a light source, sun printing paper (available at most craft/art stores, objects, a sheet of glass (optional)
Once you get your paper (don't take it out of the bag until you're ready to use it), arrange your objects over top holding them in place with a sheet of glass if you want precise edges. If you'd like to play with shadows and edges, forgo using the glass and manipulate the objects during the exposure process. Expose the paper until it turns almost white, it takes a few minutes (although overexposing—like, for several days—can create some cool effects, too). Remove it from your light source and run it under cold water until the image inverts to set it (blue becomes white and vice-versa).

Before...

...and after.

Solvent Printing—

This process is mega-cool. You take a xerox copy, a absorbent surface such as paper or wood (even canvas to an extent, as long as it's not gessoed or the gesso is about 99% dry and still slightly tacky), and use solvent to transfer the image from the original xerox copy to your new surface. Such a neat way to achieve rustic looking design.
You'll need: Xerox copies (won't work with copies from an inkjet printer—you need something very toner heavy and high contrast), an absorbent surface (other paper, wood, fabric), a solvent to release the toner from the original image (Goof Off, a Colorless Blender or—get this—Wintergreen Oil), and a dry rag.
Lay down the xerox image onto your surface, ink side down, and tape in place if necessary (if the image moves, you won't get an accurate transfer... which could be cool if intentional). Take your solvent and sparingly wet the area over the ink you want to transfer. You don't need a lot of solvent—it's really the pressure you apply that does the heavy lifting here. Take your rag and rub over the surface, pressing hard. Continue this until the solvent appears to dry. Lift the xerox and... ta-da! There you go.
Overlapping images can be tricky. If you do one transfer and then another over top, the original might not survive.
One xerox copy is good for one transfer. They can't really be used multiple times.
Different solvents have different effects. A color blender will give you an accurate transfer with little to no mess. Goof Off will make things a little more unpredictable, but often produces cool results you wouldn't anticipate. Wintergreen Oil is the least effective, but natural. It's good for a rustic, decaying, vintagey-type look.

Animals + Americana = Animericana

Okay, there you have it. Please try this at home. And The Holland Project does these free workshops every month... so come to one if you're around!

Giving it Away: Notes from the A29 Bootcamp | Part 1

2011-06-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

"You preserve the gospel by giving it away." —D.A. Carson

These were the final words of D.A. Carson’s session titled ‘Preserving the Gospel’ and were the words that have been imprinted on my heart and resonating through my mind since then. In the same spirit, I hope to preserve all of the things that God spoke to me during the Acts 29 Bootcamp by approaching them with a generous heart. I undeservedly received the gospel and I don’t want to walk through its implications unwittingly. As a grateful beggar telling other beggars where to find bread (another Carson quote, ha!), I offer all of this to you. I’m not the best note-taker in the universe, but whatever I have is yours.

Better still, Acts 29 will be posting the audio/video from this bootcamp. Whatever they have is yours, too.

This first blog is from the first session at the Bootcamp: "Gospel Transformation" presented by D.A. Carson. Please feel free to comment and question—this stuff is best fleshed out in community!

__________

It goes without saying (or at least it should): there is no gospel-centered church planter, no gospel-centered mission, no gospel-centered anything apart from gospel transformation. I have to let myself sit there for a minute. Nothing that I write is relevant at all apart from the fact that I have been transformed. None of this information will amount to anything in my life or yours unless we have undergone transformation, utterly and entirely. My biggest fear in arriving, experiencing, departing and now processing this past weekend is that I will have heard much but not known much... learned much but not loved much... affirmed much but not believed much. It is fitting that Carson decided to start here—because without being born again, we will never live.

Carson exegetes with swift, exacting, ninja-like precision. Driscoll is right to call him yoda-smart. Plus, he’s Canadian—and I will always have a special affinity for all things Canada. But beyond this—as one of his colleagues put it—he has a gracious heart. It was an honor to sit under a teacher whose obvious gifts are so obviously submitted to Christ and saturated by grace.

Overall, I was struck by the way that Carson did not shy away from the heavy lifting in this passage. Consequently, I was admonished to put down my own 5 pound weights start doing some bench pressing. What I mean when I say “heavy lifting” is this. Carson took the time to carefully connect the dots of Jesus’ statements in order to paint the whole picture—he didn’t settle for a kitschy motel portrait of Jesus as sage. Sometimes, when I read Jesus words, I settle. I settle for yesterday’s insights, trying to be satisfied by yesterday’s bread, only to be left emaciated. I hopscotch from verse to verse without looking to see how each one builds upon the last. I say this to my shame. Rather than doing the work of connecting the dots, pleading with the Spirit to give me wisdom on how Jesus’ thoughts come together to form the whole, I just get lazy. I’m glad to have been shaken from sleep and humbled that I’m forgiven for this—now to stay awake, by grace.

There were some key points for me in this session. One, that we need new life—not new laws. Nicodemus, in his great presumption, was looking to Jesus as just another teacher, as another doer, not as a savior. To this, Jesus seems to say, “Nicodemus, you don’t need me to teach you. You can’t bear the weight of the law you do have, let alone any other that I could heap on you. You need me to redeem you, to give you new birth, to give you a new beginning that will never end. You think you see and understand, but you do not... because your heart is unbelieving. You ask how a man can be born again, even when he is old. Do you not know that the new birth I offer is real? You can be made new, despite all the baggage, sin and cynicism that accompanies adulthood. You can start over.” Two, that we can only look to the solution that God has provided for salvation. Jesus likens himself to the serpent lifted up in the wilderness, which is—humanly speaking—an unlikely candidate for salvation. Who fights a serpent by looking at a fake serpent? Who conquers death with death? The Father’s wisdom is so far beyond our own. Look to and believe in no other solution for your sin and death other than the one given by the Father.

Good Friday

2011-04-22T12:55:00.001-07:00

It’s Good Friday… and I sit here overwhelmed. Rather than talk about history or dig into scripture, I just want to pray. I hope that you’ll do the same where you are, that you would take some time to sit at his feet and marvel at him. This Good Friday, behold your Savior with your own eyes.

Jesus, I am overwhelmed by you. I am overwhelmed by the gravity of your sacrifice. I am overwhelmed by your tenacity, your faithfulness, the fact that you kept your word. Your slaying was planned before the foundation of the world. You set your face like flint toward the cross and you didn’t shy away. You had a baptism to undergo and how greatwas your distress until it was accomplished. And not just distress because of the agony of the cross, but the distress over knowing that redemption was so close. Your hands were wrapped around the temple veil and you couldn’t wait for the moment to tear it. You couldn’t wait to rescue us. You couldn’t wait to reconcile us to yourself. You had redemptive ambition for us, for me. And with that redemptive ambition, with that courage, you were like a sheep silent before its shearers. You took every blow with grace. You received every lashing of the whip with grace. You took the nails with grace. And you did all of it to give grace. You didn’t back down. You looked my sin—my sin—straight in the face and said, “It is finished.” You clocked my death—my death—straight in the jaw and called out, “where is your sting?” You said that you would. You said you would take care of it and you did. You saw my empty hands, you saw my helplessness to pay my debt to the Father. You knew my rebellious heart. You knew my affections were easily swayed toward other lovers. You knew my transgressions were without number—and you knew that my days were numbered, death waiting to claim me. And you stepped in to save. You stepped in to save. There is nothing else to say but thank you. There is nothing else to do but thank you. Thank you. In your beautiful, worthy, eternal, holy,saving name—amen.

Maundy Thursday

2011-04-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Holy Thursday--or Maundy Thursday--traditionally seems to the start the same way every year, with this question: what in the heck does 'maundy' mean? I like this tradition. Let's keep it. It's good to ask questions.

When you get out your wikipedia app, you'll find most scholars agree that the word maundy is derived from the latin word mandatum. Okay. When you take it a step further, you find that the word mandatum is the first word of the latin phrase 'mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos' (say that 3 times fast) meaning, 'a new commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you.' Hopefully that rings a bell.

Maundy Thursday is about the issuing of this new commandment (found in John 13:34) and our observance of it. Historically, some church traditions have gone as far as to commemorate the new commandment with foot washing, as it was the action that directly preceded it in the text. Not a bad idea. If the Lord provokes us to express his love in this way, let's do it. No day like today. But there's a deeper symbolism here that supersedes the act of foot-washing, doing the dishes, or any other service we can render. (All you people with foot-phobia or caked-on-food-phobia can breathe a sigh of relief.) What was Jesus doing the day before he went to the cross?

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, do you wash my feet?" Jesus answered him, "What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand." Peter said to him, "You shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered him, "If I do not wash you, you have no share with me." Simon Peter said to him, "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!" Jesus said to him, "The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you." For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, "Not all of you are clean." When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, "Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.

--John 13:1-17

Jesus is not only exhibiting the deepest humility by washing the disciples feet (a job reserved for the lowliest servants), but painting a picture of the very humility he would show by humbling himself to an agonizing, heart-wrenching, humiliating death on the cross. He would stop at nothing to purchase us. He would stop at nothing to serve us with salvation.

He's also doing something else by washing the disciples' feet. It's hard for me to put words to the meaning and I never will be able to... but it seems to be an undeniable symbol of the ongoing work of gospel in our lives. Jesus didn't use foot-washing to cleanse the disciples from sin (hence the whole "one who has bathed need not wash his head or hands but is completely clean"), he used it to point to the need for the ongoing application of the gospel to the parts of us that get dirtied up over time as we run this race. By washing one another's feet, we're gospeling one another. We're serving one another in the most important way. We're reminding one another that--in Christ--we are completely clean. Completely forgiven. Clothed in righteousness we couldn't earn and don't deserve. We're also helping one another apply the gospel to those hard-to-reach places of our souls, helping them remember their identity in Jesus. We need this. I need this. We need to do this. A lot.

Just as we take communion to observe the new covenant, we also must wash one another in the gospel--frequently--to observe the new commandment.

This Maundy Thursday, go out and gospel someone. This is no random act of kindness, this is the foremost act of kindness. Share the gospel with someone who hasn't heard. Share it with someone who has heard, but needs reminding. Just share it. Somehow. Truth be told, it can look like practical means--but practical means (like doing the dishes) are nothing without gospel motivation.

Behold your savior who has washed you once and for all and has passed the towel and bar of soap to you. Use it well.

________________

For Good Friday...

One of the historical traditions of the church is to fast on Good Friday. If you feel moved by the Spirit to do so and have time during the day to devote to prayer as you fast, please consider it. Then, may your first meal of the day be the Lord's Supper in remembrance of the price Jesus paid for your redemption. Come to the Living Stones Good Friday gatherings (5:30 p.m. and 7 p.m., Downtown Campus) to take communion, celebrate and mourn.

Holy Wednesday

2011-04-20T09:43:00.001-07:00

Before digging into Holy Wednesday, take a look at this Gospel Coalition article called Suffering Servant and Conquering King. It gives a brief overview of the past and present purpose of Old Testament prophesy and how some of the prophets were used to carve out a clearer idea of who Jesus was, is and is to come. Read the article, look over some of the verses noted and adore your Savior. Adore your God, who has always been. Adore your God, who has always had a marvelous, scandalous, exceedingly wise plan—and has let you be part of it.

Part of this marvelous plan was the way of pain. It’s no wonder Isaiah says of Jesus that he would be a man of sorrows and acquainted (well-acquainted) with grief. The main event commemorated on Holy Wednesday is Jesus’ betrayal by Judas Iscariot.

It’s clear that Judas’ betrayal of Jesus was a necessary step toward the cross and part of God’s marvelous plan. It teems with prophetic accuracy, even down to the price placed on Jesus’ head. Yet the implications of this event run deeper still and keep unfolding into our lives, as well.

Not only did Jesus suffer the sting of betrayal that he might be our sympathetic High Priest, knowing intimately our life’s trials, but he also suffered that we might have means of fellowship with him. Have you ever thought of betrayal as an occasion to rejoice? It is. You get the privilege of knowing your Savior that much better. You get to run to him with everything because he ran the race to the finish, suffering and loving his own to the end.

On this Holy Wednesday, behold the ways that your Savior’s suffering has become your joy—because you can have fellowship with him in it.

____________________

And if you have suffered (or are harboring bitterness for) a recent (or not-so-recent) betrayal, pinpoint the individual(s) who you need to forgive—and forgive them today. Extend the grace you have received from your Savior to someone in need of it. Write a letter. Make that phone call. As you participate in Jesus’ sufferings, don’t forget to practice his forgiveness.

Holy Tuesday

2011-04-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Though you can refer to Matthew’s, Mark’s or Luke’s accounts of the day’s events, I’m going to focus on Matthew’s telling.

As you read the account of Holy Tuesday, it’s hard to ignore the palpable tension. Jesus spends the day—essentially—being challenged and questioned. The entire day. How much patience and decorum can you muster in the face of a day’s worth of contention? Probably not much. Luckily, Jesus is the Man. Not only does he take every sword thrown at him and wield it gracefully, but he takes these swords and pierces his listeners, followers and adversaries to the heart.

One such instance is seen at the beginning of Matthew 23, in which he specifically engages the scribes and pharisees.

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, so practice and observe whatever they tell you—but not what they do. For they preach, but do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. They do all their deeds to be seen by others. For they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long, and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces and being called rabbi by others. But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all brothers. And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven. Neither be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Christ. The greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

—Matthew 23:1-12

As I read this, I can barely stumble past the first few verses unscathed. “They preach, but do not practice…” If someone were to have watched your actions today, would they have said this about you? Would they have said this about me?

The next verses heap on the conviction—pun intended. How often to we place unrealistic expectations on others—create laws for them to agonize, enforce rules they’ve already broken, impose roles they can’t begin to fulfill—and we ourselves are unwilling to withstand similar scrutiny? This is an ugly expression of pride. We’re called to bear one another’s burdens, not add to them for own selfish gain or sense of righteousness.

“They do all their deeds to be seen by others…” Check.

“Make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long… Love places of honor… demand to be called ‘rabbi…’” The right clothes (not just fashionable, but holy – pridefully modest and immaculate – concerned with utmost perfection of image), the right places at the right times (and with the right people), the right reputation. The pharisees sought these things with all their energy and ended up empty. Dead. White-washed tombs. Beautiful on the outside, full of decay on the inside.

Are you guilty? Me, too. And Jesus makes it clear that these offenses won’t go unpunished.

Yet, what grace! Listen to your savior’s heart:

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! See, your house is left to you desolate. For I tell you, you will not see me again, until you say, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.’”

—Matthew 23:37-39

Don’t use Jesus’ judgment of pride as an excuse to shy away from him. Use it as an occasion to repent. Jesus longed to gather his people to himself—but they would not accept his grace. Don’t let that be your story. This Holy Tuesday, behold your savior who longs to have you. All of you. And who longs to forgive you, clothe you with his righteousness and bring about your beauty through humility. Behold your savior, who aches to have you beneath his wing, under the safety of his lordship.

No matter what your sin was this Holy Tuesday, run to Jesus.

Holy Monday

2011-04-18T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today—to kick things off—we’re going to get in touch with some the historical background of Holy Week. (And all the prophets, nerds, academics and empirical thinkers of the world rejoiced.)

Justin Taylor, who is a frequent contributor to the Gospel Coalition website, posted a helpful “Who,” What," and “Where” of Holy Week earlier today. It can be accessed here. Some things to notice:

Bible Gateway has made a visualization of all the events of Holy Week, which is exceptionally rich. It includes scripture references from the synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke) and also the relationships between all of the people involved in the narratives (when they were together/apart, when the ‘crowd’ or ‘religious leaders’ make entrances and exits, etc.). Neat-o.
Google Map of the proposed area in which Jesus walked during his last days. Pretty cool to see it live and in color.

What about Holy Monday specifically? Taylor also posted a chronological breakdown of the events of Holy Monday by harmonizing the gospels to the best of his ability (with the help of the ESV Study Bible). You can access this by clicking here.

These are great resources and helpful facts, but it wouldn’t be a great idea to leave things at that. We know that knowledge—apart from the humility and love of the gospel—puffs up (1 Corinthians 8:1). So how can we be built up this Holy Monday?

In their observation of this day, the Roman Catholic church traditionally pairs the accounts of Jesus Cursing the Fig Tree and Jesus Clearing the Temple with readings of Isaiah 42:1-7 and Psalm 27:1-3 & 13-14. Let’s focus on Psalm 27:1-3 for a moment:

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear, though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.

—Psalm 27:1-3

How does this connect? Providentially enough, this coincides with what Harvey preached on Palm Sunday. During his life, Jesus knew exactly what he was doing. He came to draw a line in the sand. In many ways, he didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. With every healing, every sermon, every moment his enemies came closer to assail. Can’t help but wonder if texts like Psalm 27 rung through his head as he brought them to life.

Behold your savior this Holy Monday. He endured the utmost hostility for our sake. He allowed the enemy to assail him. And he became our victor. Let Jesus’ confidence give you courage. The same God who cleansed the temple has made you his temple… and he shares his victory with you.

Drinking from a Fire Hose

2011-04-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite pastors once said that attending a conference is kind of like drinking from a fire hose. Today's Acts 29 Regional Event at Living Stones was certainly no exception. Jeff Vanderstelt from Soma Communities proved himself to be the conduit of a ton of truth, wisdom and much-needed exhortation. I left feeling impacted (as fire hoses inevitably pack a significant punch), soaked and satisfied by the gospel of Jesus. Now, I'm wringing out my head and heart by blogging some of my notes.

Drinking from a fire hose is hard to do second hand, but the good news is that the audio will probably be available from the websites above soon. Keep watch on that.

* * *
A true disciple is someone who knows how to make disciples. Do you know how to make a disciple? Do I? Are you taking the time to consider what it is that you're doing to make disciples? "Making disciples" -- the command we've received from Jesus -- implies not only knowledge of the execution, but intentional and cooperative action.

Before immediately moving in on people's lives with counsel, let the Holy Spirit do some counseling. It's his job, after all. When listening to people expound their struggles, don't immediately think "what advice can I give?" Rather, listen to what they're saying about the gospel.

Every time you preach or teach, you do so to unbelievers. Everyone has areas of their lives in which they have not believed the truth, power and sufficiency of the gospel and been transformed; Christian or not.

Every time you study the Bible, it should result in outward focus. Bible study means we "do" the Bible, not just "hear" the Bible. (James 1:22-25)

We don't come to the Scriptures to know the Scriptures. We come to the Scriptures to know Jesus. (John 5:39)

Knowing someone's story naturally evokes grace. Get to know the story behind people's actions and apply the gospel to it -- it's the only hope for making a happy ending to that story possible.

When leading people, give them something to do. A goal forces us to grow up and forgo the stagnance of comfort to which we are so prone. Better yet, make it an impossible one -- one that cannot even be imagined as being true apart from the sufficiency and work of Jesus. Always lead people to a life that cannot be lived without him, settling for nothing less.

Sanctification first comes from sitting at the cross and saying "thank you." It is faith first and response second. This is not to be confused.

Being filled by the Spirit and led by the Spirit is the overcoming of sin. Think about what this means. When we're completely filled up and satisfied with who Christ by his Spirit and allowing our desires to be led by him through his Spirit, fruit is the outcome -- not sin. It's a fight, but we're not defeated!

Enough To Go Around

2011-03-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

While preparing to go to Guatemala on a short-term mission trip last fall, I caught a piece of information that struck me then and has continued to strike me since.

The Quiché people of Guatemala, whose belief system is derived from Christian and Mayan roots, have an interesting approach to relating to one another. They believe in the concept of limited good, which asserts that there is only a fixed amount of good in the world. If you're not getting good, you're getting evil. Each of us can hope for a hearty helping of blessing, but -- at the end of the day -- if someone else's cup overflows, yours is going to run dry.

Imagine for a moment the implications of this view. If you believe that there is only so much good to be had in this world, how does this affect the way you respond to your neighbor's snazzy new car? Your co-worker's promotion? Your brother's wife's cousin's cancer diagnosis? I offer a few theories. If this worldview has had its way in you, you are prone to think that the good in other's lives is an enemy of your own. When this takes root, you don't have a fighting chance at truly being happy for others. Their success stands as a reminder of what you are less likely to enjoy. The converse is perhaps more disturbing. If something bad happens to someone, you are apt to find yourself breathing a twisted sigh of relief. There is now one less chance of you having to suffer a similar fate. And you secretly celebrate -- party of one.

I realize that this sounds extreme and that -- for most of us -- this belief doesn't manifest itself with such severity. But I honestly see this worldview in our hearts, in my heart. Your friendly neighborhood anthropologist might tell you that this belief is most common in traditional societies and not industrialized ones like ours... but I think we know better. These roots run deeply in us. And they cannot be doused with the pesticides of concerted effort.

I especially see it in (gulp) the ladies. Let's be honest. How often has your rejoicing been stunted because you feel, somewhere in the deep recesses of you heart, that the "good" thing that happened to your sister (whatever that "good" thing is) would or could never happen to you? She has perfect children. I will never have perfect children. Her husband is the man. Mine is... not. Her fiancé planned out the perfect proposal. I would be lucky to get a guy to ask me what time it is. Her life is a-ma-zing. Mine will always be bo-or-ing. And (this one is harder to admit), how often have you walked a little taller knowing that your life is not as bad as "hers?" You're a little smarter? You look a little better? The truth is, the concept of limited good is only good for one thing: making us ugly.

We need to get to the roots. If we're plagued by believing in limited good, even in the most subtle sense, we need to repent, turn back toward God. If we are captive to the notion of limited good, we are ultimately saying, "Sorry, buddy. You're not too good at the whole 'giving gifts to your kids' thing. You keep getting it wrong." I implore you to think better of him. Believe the truth. Esteem him much, much higher. Also, take some time to think through how you define "good." In God's economy, putting yourself first puts you on the fast-track to finishing last. Thinking of yourself as wiser than God confirms that you are a fool. Sometimes good looks like a new car, the perfect day or a thriving marriage. Sometimes good looks like a worst-case scenario, the loss of the irreplaceable or the words you never wanted to hear. How? "...We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) The truth is, there is no limited good because there is no limit to what God can make good. Because of him, we are free to rejoice with others because their good is no longer the enemy of our own. We are free to glory in Jesus, who suffered the worst, in order to share his best with us.

Thank you, God, that we can rest in this. And thank you that there really is enough good to go around.

5%

2011-02-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading a book called Leading On Empty by Wayne Cordeiro... and it's good. It serves as a very practical and helpful tool in preventing burnout and helping you recover from burnout if you're already feeling its pangs. Cordeiro communicates as if he's an old mentor who understands, whose axioms are simple enough to absorb, accessible enough to transcend many contexts and deep enough to keep you wondering, "how do I make this manifest in my own life?" I recommend this book to all, but especially to those who are figuring out what it looks like to endure and truly run after Christ for a lifetime. We're talking about the marathon. We're not talking about intermittent, short sprints when it's comfortable or seems appropriate to get off the sidelines. We're talking tortoise, not hare.

One of the exercises in the book is about setting your priorities in life. No, it's not earth-shattering. But the more sure you are of your priorities, the less likely you are to flounder in crisis moments, the less likely you are to waffle under the pressure of decisions. You already know -- deep within -- what's important. So you act in accordance with what has already been established rather than scrambling to get a coherent stance together when your mind and heart look more like scrambled eggs than... unscrambled eggs.

Cordeiro wisely helps us unscramble ourselves by putting the things that make up our lives into three helpful categories:

85% of our lives are made up of tasks to do that anyone could do -- like answering emails, going to meetings, getting groceries and the like.
10% of our lives are comprised of things that we could potentially delegate to others given that we are training them properly.
Next is what we've been building up to: the final 5%. These are the things that only we can be responsible for. They cannot be delegated. These are the things that God has asked us to do.

There are some things to note here. The things in these categories change with life stage and circumstance, but the principle remains the same. Also, these percentages are not hard and fast and they're not necessarily inspired. We cannot replace the Holy Spirit's work in our lives with pragmatism. However, this is a helpful way to at least get us intentionally thinking about our priorities rather than just assuming we know what they are and we are living like they are.

Coming up with my 5% was not as difficult as I thought, but I know it's a work in progress. For now, these are what I know are my priorities:

Reckoning and believing God the Father to be my Father, Jesus to be my Savior and my Treasure, and the Holy Spirit to be my best Helper and walking by this faith -- more and more as I live.
In all humility, as a beggar showing other beggars where they can find bread, leading others to Jesus, the Bread of Life.
Being a friend to my family and family to my friends. (I should explain this one. Over the years, my close friends have become my family -- a fact that I am thankful for and love, and I do believe that they are my family. However, I also have a hard time pouring the same amount of love, blood, sweat and tears into some my actual family because of brokenness. So what I mean by this statement is that I want to give both my "physical" family and "friend" family the same level of priority.)
Devoting my life to cultivating authentic sisterhood at Living Stones: women redeemed by Jesus, healed by Jesus, believing more and more in Jesus, loving one another and leading one another to Jesus.
Taking care of my body and soul; exercise, a balanced diet, intentionally resting/recharging and pursuing solitude before I seek destructive isolation and run from relationship and responsibility.
As much as I can, relieving the pastors of Living Stones of their 95% in order that they might be freed to pursue their 5%. Not because it's my job, but because I'm working unto the Lord.

After mapping out this 5%, I already feel more grounded, focused. I'm also aware of the fact that it could change at any moment... literally. "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps..." Proverbs 16:9

Thank God!

2010-11-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

Here's the artwork for a stand-alone sermon on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Excited for Pastor Harvey and Pastor Kyle Bateson to bring the heat!

1 Corinthians: Dear Reno | Gospel Mission

2010-11-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

For specs on the making of the graphics, comment or message me. And... if you can name all the icons in the collage... you will get a prize. Promise.

This month, we begin another leg in the trip through 1 Corinthians at Living Stones. We'll be tracking though a lot of tough passages, but--ultimately--what has struck me the most is the reminder that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Cor. 3:17). We are free to behold him. We are free to approach him with unveiled face. We are free to display his glory before all men. This seems to be an overarching theme of the Lord's work in my personal life as well as in the lives of those I'm encountering; it is also a necessary hinge upon which gospel mission may move. I pray that we all will experience our freedom in Christ--casting off all that hinders the gospel from multiplying in our lives--as we continue on.

Old Souls

2010-11-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

"Now when the builders had laid the foundation of the temple of the LORD, the priests stood in their apparel with trumpets, and the Levites, the sons of Asaph, with cymbals, to praise the LORD according to the directions of King David of Israel. They sang, praising and giving thanks to the LORD, saying, 'For He is good, for His lovingkindness is upon Israel forever.' And all the people shouted with a great shout when they praised the LORD because the foundation of the house of the LORD was laid. Yet many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers' households, the old men who had seen the first temple, wept with a loud voice when the foundation of this house was laid before their eyes, while many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the shout of joy from the sound of the weeping of the people, for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the sound was heard far away." --Ezra 3:10-13

You don't have to scour retirement homes to find them. They may not be at the point where they need to 'Fixodent and forget it.' There is a group of delightful people in the world that are referred to as old souls. And, regardless of age, they offer a side of the story that needs to be told.

Ezra offered me this reminder this morning as I read the account of the foundation of the 2nd temple being laid. Understandably, this was a time of great rejoicing for God's people. This kind of redemption is certainly not something to be taken lightly. However, as the young bucks who labored over the temple celebrated with shouts of joy, some of the old-timers wept. There is much depth to this reaction, depth that I want to know.

For those old enough to remember (or wise enough to not forget), this moment was an unprecedented encounter with God's mercy. Memories of fish hooks, fire and famine suddenly gave way to redemption and rebuilding. God, by his grace, disciplined his people--and with that same grace, he brought them home. I can't help but imagine that every tear carried a certain measure of reverence. God could just as easily destroy this second foundation as he did the first in his fatherly, disciplinary love. He is sovereign in both his pardon and his wrath. These two realities working in tandem amount to an overwhelming response, to say the least.

The passage goes on to describe how the sounds of rejoicing and the sounds of weeping married and were carried off in the distance. I am reminded of how we desperately need this balance. We need shouts of joy just as much as we need cries of sorrow. We need brokenness just as much as we need rebuilding. We need stories of victory just as much as we need cautionary tales. Why? Because the two combine and carry God's glory immeasurably further than one or the other could do on its own. The world needs to see and hear the whole story... not just one part. This is mirrored in the life of Jesus, who exemplified--in himself--perfect anguish and perfect victory.

I long to tell both sides of the story in my own life... to be rid of cynicism enough to praise and rejoice like a child and filled with wisdom and depth of experience enough to weep when awestruck by God's glory.

Dear Reno II

2010-06-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

It's almost time for the next sermon series in 1 Corinthians to begin... and we've got an array of light, summer fare to offer. Here's a sample of the assortment:

Gospel Growth
Building Gospel Communities
You Are Christ's
Arrogance and Authority
Church Discipline
Grieve(ances)

Is that light and summery enough for ya? That's what I thought. Nothing light or summery about it.

I find myself thankful -- really thankful -- that I have the honor of sitting under preaching that doesn't shy away from what is messy, difficult and/or problematic. I'm thankful to be part of a community in which those who are messy, difficult and/or problematic are being healed, renewed and remade.

I pray that we will be ready to receive what the Lord has for us, to plumb the depths of difficult truth and to experience subsequent depths of grace.

Voices

2010-05-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

For 5 weeks during the summer, we'll be taking a short break from I Corinthians: Dear Reno and doing a sermon series called Voices at Living Stones. Each sermon will be preached by a different member of the LS Community or by a guest preacher from around the region. These "voices" will come with their respective soapboxes in tow, each sharing the truth, concept or topic that fuels him the most. Not only will it be an opportunity to enjoy some diversity, but -- let's be honest -- when someone gets the chance to teach about that one thing that ignites his soul above all else... we would do well to listen.

For the Voices artwork, I decided to go green. Not for any sort of symbolic reason... mostly just because I Corinthians: Dear Reno was red heavy. No big whoop. : )

If there is any symbolism to be had, it's in the fact that it's kind of a mess. The colors are a little muddy. Some of the words are deliberately out of focus and all seem to be competing for a place to call their own. There are all kinds of splotches contributing to the chaos. To draw the parallel, there are times when the noise in our lives gets so piercing, the fuzz so thick, that the one voice that matters most grows faint. I think that may be where my heart has been for the last week -- straining to hear Him through the busyness of life. I had the blessing of slowing down and taking communion tonight with one of my Small Groups and read John 6:55-58 in the process:

"For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."

Jesus is the ultimate satisfaction, the ultimate nourishment, the ultimate fulfillment. His voice will cut through all of the noise and will silence every doubt, every hunger pang, every naysayer, every fear, every boast, every selfish thought.

Ironically enough, if I were ever given the opportunity to take my soapbox and set it up somewhere (regardless if anyone is there to listen), that is what I would want to talk about: abiding in Christ. I would contend with the saints and urge them to believe that the very Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead dwells in them -- and that this changes everything. I would plead with those who do not have a relationship with Jesus to connect to Him, the True Vine, and have life. To all I would say that Christ in you is the only hope of glory.

I've borrowed these words from a song we sing at LS from time to time, but I think it sums up my hope for the Voices series: "may Your voice be louder / may Your voice be clearer / than all the others / may Your face be dearer / may Your words be sweeter / than all the others in my life / please keep my eyes fixed on You / please root my heart so deep in You / keep me abiding / keep me abiding / so I might bear fruit."

Baptized into the Triune God

2010-05-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this in a while, but I'd like to get into the habit of sharing my artwork on a more frequent basis. I am always appreciative when others share, so -- for those who are interested -- here's a portion from me. Let me give you a quick rundown of some of the nuts and bolts:

I wanted the words of this sermon title to do the talking (imagine that). So, I chose to make the words themselves the main focus of the graphic by keeping everything else fairly muted and simple. The background is a dark blue overlayed with a vertical stripe fill pattern. I rasterized the pattern and hit it with an eraser to tone it down a bit.
The arrows are a mixture of several brushes (free brushes) available on Brusheezy. They, too, were treated with the same eraser in order to mute and texturize them.
And now... the moment all the font-o-philes have been waiting for... the names of the fonts I used for the main text. "Baptized" is in REBOARD, "into the" is in Marcelle Script, "Triune" is in Night Stalker and "God" is in White Tie Affair. I love playing with the free fonts on Dafont.com -- you should, too. Each word has been rasterized, texturized and shadowed for extra visual interest.

Ultimately, I hope that God Himself will be more evident than anything that is seen or heard this weekend. If you're part of the Living Stones Community, I can't wait to celebrate Him with you this weekend at 11am in Lawlor's main arena! And... if you're getting baptized (or are still thinking about getting baptized), I'm praying for you!

He Came To...

2009-11-24T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's always a little unnatural for me to set my sights on Christmas before the turkey has gone in the oven (I'm one of those people who will usually refuse to listen to Christmas music until Thanksgiving has come and gone), but this -- and by "this" I mean, the topic -- is definitely an exception. For Christmas this year, we'll be doing a two-part series called "He Came To" at Living Stones. Part one (December 20th) concerns the work of Christ in defeating sin. Part two (December 24th - Christmas Eve) walks us through Jesus' power to justify us. Such tidings of comfort and joy came at a great and gruesome price... but there's no better news than that of God coming near to save sinners and no better time to celebrate than now.

Here are some of the nuts & bolts of the artwork for those who are interested in playing around with the ideas:

I started with a green background and overlayed it with a gold texture set at 30% opacity.
Sandwiched in between is an old Polaroid photograph of a tree & ornament, set at 50% opacity. I also applied a cut-out filter to make the image a little less refined.
The border was made by erasing the edges of the gold texture layer with a pattern (courtesy of Brusheezy) called "Indian Ornaments."
The text was done in a font called "Stereofidelic." (I wonder who thinks of these names...) In order to hug some of the curves, I set some letters at different baselines.

I'll probably be tweaking these graphics for the next few weeks, so -- if anyone wants to weigh in with some ideas or recommendations -- please do!

Have a Heart

2009-11-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

For the upcoming Small Group Curriculum, I combined some of my favorite elements... a color palette called "You're Done For"(nothing implied, I assure you), "Heart Stamps," & New Cicle Fina. Keepin' it simple.

Prescriptions & Promises

2009-10-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

If you were to watch me work for about 5 minutes (it doesn't take long) it wouldn't take very long for you to identify the fact that I have bad eyes. All the signs are there. I sit really close to the computer screen, I squint, I scrunch, I grimace, my mouth gapes... not a pretty picture.

In thinking about this week's Small Group curriculum -- "Heart Idolatry" -- I wonder how many of us suffer from bad spiritual eyes. I wonder if our idolatry, our bent toward making small things into ultimate things, has made us blind. I wonder if all the signs are there. I wonder if it makes us squint, strain, strive to see, to hold onto shifting shadow and scintillation but to no avail. I wonder if we grimace, if the malcontent oozes from our pores and permeates our actions. I wonder if our mouths gape from hunger, from longing, but are never satisfied. What's worse... I wonder if we can't see it when it's right in front of our faces.

It takes a lot to make me see. A lot. At times, I wish it didn't take such a stern word to make me listen. It might be nice if the grip to keep me from wandering wasn't so firm. Yet, how terrible it would be to have those wishes fulfilled. What better word is there than a stern one given in love? What better grip is there than one that will never let go? For idolatrous and blind and depleting spiritual vision, there is no better prescription than a promise. So here... here are the lenses that I need to look through. Maybe you need them, too.

"Oh afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony and your foundations in sapphires." - Isaiah 54:11
"My grace is sufficient for you. My power is perfected in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
"Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, so that you do not forget the things which your eyes have seen and they do not depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make them known to your sons and your grandsons." - Deuteronomy 4:9
"Therefore... consider Jesus..." - Hebrews 3:1
"Be anxious for nothing." - Philippians 4:6
It's not about me. (Galatians 2:20)
"Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" - John 11:40
"Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." Psalm 116:7
The cross is big enough, forgiveness strong enough.
Be strong and courageous. And do it. (2 Chronicles 28:20)
He hears. He knows.
His kindness leads us to repentance. Repentance leads to reconciliation. Reconciliation leads to peace. (Romans 2:4, Acts 3:19, 2 Corinthians 5:16-20)
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take / the clouds ye so much dread / are filled with blessing and shall break / in blessings on your head.
Kiss the rod of discipline. Embrace it. The Father disciplines those whom He loves. (Hebrews 12:3-13)
Whatever "this" is, it is not the end. THIS is the end: "Behold, I am making all things new." (Revelation 21:5)

The rest are for you to fill in.

Nehemiah Was Man Enough To Wear Pink

2009-10-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

Repentance

2009-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

"They turn, but not upward..." Hosea 7:16

During the last few months... or 12 hours, more specifically... I've been thinking a lot about repentance. Those who have found themselves warming church seats for any considerable amount of time have heard the word "repentance" and its associated analogies. It's "turning to God, away from sin," "a 180 degree shift," and -- in perhaps its 'churchiest' incarnation -- a Sunday school felt board character doing a backflip and skipping away from the clutches of sin as children watch on in bewilderment.

These incarnations, however, can be fairly cheap. They can be fairly impotent. When you're addicted to smoking and want to quit, holding a carrot between your first and middle fingers is a poor substitute for a cigarette. It doesn't fit the subtle curvature of your hand. It doesn't know the intimate rhythm of your breath. It certainly isn't soothing. (Unless you really like carrots. I mean, really like them.)

When it comes to the addiction of sin, the addiction of self, we certainly do not need carrots. We don't need to exchange the temporal for the temporal. We need to exchange the seen for the unseen. Turn laterally all you want -- but what you really need to do is seek up.

During the last few months, the Lord has had the mercy and kindness to lead me to repentance. When I find myself scrambling, turning in circles to find a source of relief from the onslaughts of life, personal wounds, the waging war of sin and self, He intervenes with a simple truth: "Nothing is going to come and save you." Over and over, he says this. Literally. And He's right -- because He already did. There is complete and utter sufficiency in the cross of Christ -- past, present, future, forever. It is a fight to believe this unseen truth in our often contrary experience, but it is a fight worth fighting. If you fight to be the exception, thinking that "this" struggle is not covered by the cross, you fight battle already lost.

The verse I mentioned at the beginning -- in Hosea -- goes on to describe the people of Israel as "a deceitful bow" since their repentance is not genuine and oriented toward God. Yet, as Martin Luther puts it, "God makes straight lines with crooked sticks." What a hopeful promise. No matter how deceitful the bow, it will be a straight shooter when wielded by Jesus. I hope we can all bank on this today.

"And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12

Holy Week

2009-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

I think it is by God's amazing providence and foresight that it's time for Holy Week. I'm thankful for the deliberate consideration that it stirs up, for the sacrifice that it encourages us to muster in light of what Jesus has done. I find myself hungry and thirsty for this soul-work as I find myself in the midst of a challenging season.

Today is Palm Sunday. Whenever I think about Palm Sunday, the following verses come to mind:

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! See, your house is left to you desolate. For I tell you, you will not see me again, until you say, 'Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.'" (Matthew 23:37-39)

After Jesus enters Jerusalem -- met with ultimate praise, acknowledgement and acclaim -- he weeps. He was proclaimed rightly, as Savior, King and God; yet he knew that it would only be a few short days until that praise turned to reviling and utter hatred. And yet how he still longs for them! How he still longs for us! It seems utterly impossible that such a love could exist, but it does. He does. Why do we fight it? Why do we turn away in unbelief? Why do I fight him and turn away from him in unbelief?

I hope to know this great love more intimately this Holy Week. I hope to know this longing. I hope to embrace what it means to be gathered under his wing more fully, to grasp it more fully somehow, to turn toward him and embrace him as he sets his face like flint and heads toward the cross. I have a feeling this is what he wants, as well.

Be Here Now

2008-12-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

"He who watches the wind will not sow and he who looks at the clouds will not reap. Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things. Sow your seed in the morning and do not be idle in the evening, for you do not know whether morning or evening sowing will succeed, or whether both of them alike will be good." --Ecclesiastes 11:4-6

Sometimes it is easier to watch the wind and to look at the clouds than to be here now. There's always something beyond the horizon, something big on its way, something higher to attain... this is what I often choose rather than learning to love God, believe in His love for me, and serve Him while in this imperfect skin of mine -- right here, right now.

There are some pretty drastic implications in living this way. I forsake believing that this imperfect skin is, in fact, lavished with grace and is acceptable on that basis. This thinking will often lead me to the conclusion that it is some future version of me who is approved and has the pleasure of being called the 'Real Kristine' -- the true child of God, the better friend, the better girlfriend, the better employee, the better deacon -- rather than the woman who is found sitting at a computer typing out the various spillings and overflows of her heart. I will also deceive myself into thinking that joy is surely on its way -- definitely not here yet -- and is somehow not available to me right now. It's a similar case with healing, transformation, contentment... a plethora of stuff covered at the 'Walking with Jesus 101' class that seems to come back for 201, 301, 401... because it's sometimes allusive and needs frequent revisitation.

In God's economy, one is to be faithful with little and will then be deemed faithful with much. This certainly includes issues of character. If we are constantly looking to the clouds for the 'next big thing' or our 'next character breakthrough', we will ignore the small things and His work in them. We will ignore the identity that we have been given in Him NOW that enables us to do the sowing and reaping that we need to do NOW, whether in regard to the responsibilities on our respective plates or the pulling the weeds and tares out of our hearts to make room for the good that God so earnestly wants to cultivate (and has already cultivated!) in, through and with us. We must be careful to attend to the land that we have been bestowed -- here and now. We must be diligent to sow in the morning, do the work before us while there's still time, and not be idle at night. Who knows what God is doing?

The answer is: a lot. And it's all good. And it's all glorifying to Him. May I have the sense to be here right now, embrace it, and enjoy it.

Top 5 Sermons of the Year

2008-12-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was provoked to think about my 'top 5' Living Stones sermons of 2008... I thought it might be a good exercise in looking at what God has done this year, so here it goes... in chronological order:

January '08 - Breathe In/Breathe Out - Parts One & Two [I love sermons that highlight our identity in Christ and our subsequent identity as a community. This series was a dose of fresh vision for me. I'm justifying the fact that I'm mashing 2 sermons into 1 with the fact that you cannot breathe in without breathing out... so there.]
March '08 - Love To Death - Betrayal [Harvey and Bobby taught this sermon together and it was one of the most impactful sermons I've heard at LS -- ever. It contrasted the betrayal of Judas with the denial Peter and addressed the potential for these attributes which reside in each one of us. Key moment: the look that Jesus gives to Peter as he carries the cross that would ultimately bear the sin of Peter's very denial. It'll cut you to the core and purge the selfishness, doubt, pride and fear right out of you. Freedom from the guilt of betrayal (both from our hands and the hands of others) is found in abundance at the cross.]
April '08 - Good Friday [It wasn't a 'sermon', per se, but the Holy Spirit brought it that night... Danny preached on the Crucifixion with an astonishing amount of zeal, thoughtfulness, compassion and conviction. I don't think anyone left that night without feeling the weight of glory that Christ wrought for us on the cross.]
August '08 - Integrated Humanity - Suffering and Prayer [Another one from Danny Daley -- the realities of suffering and prayer were preached with candidness. We looked at the lives of Joseph and Job in order to cultivate a biblical response to suffering -- ultimately, patience. Prayer should be approached similarly. But in all things -- dependence on God.]
November '08 - Ecclesia - The Body of Christ [The last 5 minutes of Harvey's sermon said it all: STOP LIVING FOR SMALL THINGS. Enough said.]

Worth mentioning are two services that -- as a whole -- were incredibly impactful. The Easter gathering in April and the 'Tricky' gathering in March were oozing with creativity and new ways to tell the story of Jesus. Ambient video loops, worshipful music, scripture readings with unique instrumental accompaniment, shadow screens, Jesus' ninja-logic... good stuff.

The Most Irrational Thing of All

2008-11-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation the other day which is still stirring in my soul. I was talking to a co-worker and friend of mine (name starts with a 'D' and ends with an 'anny') who was in the process of reflecting on his upcoming sermon and he described a scenario I had never really considered before....

Think for a moment about the world's oceans. Although they make up 97.5% of the earth's water, they are not at all limitless. The ocean -- once thought to be the container of an unending supply of fish and provisionary wildlife -- is quickly being depleting in multiple parts of the world. There are parts of the ocean so over-fished that the countries which depend on the fruit of the sea to survive are finding themselves in shortage. Why is this? The shortage, created by greed, is perpetuated by greed. One country decided that it wanted to have a corner on the fish market and started hoarding. Another country took notice and followed suit for fear of being left behind or 'out-fished'. The pattern continued until everyone has literally bitten off more than they could chew. Now, all are paying the price.

When I think of what pride and greed can do on a global scale -- all in the name of 'being #1' -- I am convinced that self-interest is the most irrational thing of all. The world makes it seem as if everyone must look out for #1 because no one else will -- but this is the lie that is killing us. In preserving our lives, keeping them for our own good, we are essentially losing them.

I certainly see this principle at work in my own life.... putting myself first has not only proven to be fruitless and painful, but I am robbing others of being able to serve and worship God by putting others before themselves. This is not a small deal... to perform this act of robbery is sin! In self-interest, we trump God's glory as it is expressed in the humble service of others.

It may seem as if this kind of self-abandonment is irrational -- who will care for you if not yourself? Who knows how to better care for you? But the solution is always available and always clear... give yourself away. Give yourself to the Lord and to others and you will be kept. I am thankful that this call is not only irrevocable, but unavoidable. I am thankful that letting go of control of our lives will surely preserve them forever. This is the most rational thing.

From The Inside Out

2008-10-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm historically known to be super critical of stuff like this... big conferences, glamour, lights, smoke... I tend to favor what is more simple. But in this moment, I am thankful for these artists -- their hearts -- and I agree with their cry. This song exemplifies what my heart is crying for at this moment and I am moved to humility. I hope we can all share that outcome and allow God to consume us and change us for His glory.

Putting the 'u' back in 'Labor'

2008-10-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, this recent initiative of mine isn't a covert operation I'm running for the Canadian government as an attempt to stage a language coup... although that sounds pretty exciting!

This initiative, rather, is in regard to my prayer life. There have been a lot of things that have caused me to look at how I pray, and... more importantly, perhaps... who I'm praying for.

There are circumstances in my life as of late for which there is no action I can possibly take other than to pray. For me, a hopeless (or hopeful, depending on how you look at it) fixer, I am being exceedingly challenged. Essentially, I'm learning -- perhaps for the first time -- how to truly labor in prayer. I'm learning what it means to truly be on my knees... no... on my face in prayer. It's so much more than lip service... it's a labor of tears, love, striving... it consumes time, life, energy. It's a full time job, really. But why would this be happening here? Why now? It's because God Himself is putting the 'you' back in labor.

My prayers are so often wrapped up in my own thoughts, desires, hopes, dreams, reputation, vindication... the list could go on. I've gotten pretty good at laboring and petitioning on my own behalf in these 24 years of life. Now 'you' (yes, you) are invading my heart. The concept and reality of 'you' is invading my prayers. God is putting all the 'you's back in my labor. It's amazing, to be sure, but wow... finding a place for 'you' is pretty painful. I'm staring my selfishness in the face. I'm seeing how little capacity my heart has at times. But praise the Lord for being the first to labor -- to the point of crying tears of blood and giving His life, His entire life... body, soul, spirit and all. He is the one requiring this labor... therefore, He will be the one to see it through to the end. I pray that I will persevere in this labor and see it to the end with Him.
"We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ. For this purpose also I labo(u)r, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me." -- Colossians 1:28-29

Beams of Heaven

2008-09-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

Staying true to the theme of 'Other People's Music', here is an offering for you... hope it is good to you. It's been good to me.

* * *

Beams of heaven as I go | Through the wilderness below | Guide my feet in peaceful ways | Turn my midnights into days...

When in the darkness I would grope | Faith always sees a star of hope | And soon from all life's grief and danger | I shall be free someday...

I shall be free someday.

Oftentimes my sky is clear | Joy abounds without a tear | Though a day so bright begun | Clouds may hide tomorrow's sun...

There'll be a day that's always bright | A day that never yields to night | And in its light the streets of glory | I shall behold someday...

I shall behold someday.

Harder yet may be the fight | Right may often yield to might | Wickedness a while may reign | Satan's cause may seem to gain...

There is a God that rules above | With hand of power and heart of love | And if I'm right, He'll fight my battle | I shall have peace someday...

Someday.

Burdens now may crush me down | Disappointments all around | Troubles speak in mournful sigh | Sorrow through a tear-stained eye...

There is a world where pleasure reigns | No mourning soul shall roam its plains | And to that land of peace and glory | I shall want to go someday...

Someday.

Endurance & Vintage Blogs

2008-09-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory." -- 2 Timothy 2:10

Matt Chandler (pastor of the Village Church in TX), recently preached a sermon entitled, "Ask" in which he said this... roughly: "Your trials are not only meant to reveal God's glory to you. They are meant to reveal God's glory to others."

It's amazing how utterly selfish we can be, even in our suffering. Somehow, we think even our darkest nights are about us; our pain, our sorrow, our lack of comfort. What of God's glory? What of His will? What of His fame? What of the lessons that other people may learn while observing our conduct in the midst of the fire?

Suffering is always near -- it must be near to us, it must become our 'friend' (shout out to pre-heretical Hannah Hurnard). Suffering is Jesus' instrument of choice -- one of many instruments He uses -- to do surgery on our character. Its blade is sharp and precise -- nothing goes that must stay and nothing stays that must go -- and it is for our good and HIS GLORY (which must include the various expressions and responses that result in other's hearts and minds while being a by-stander).

All that to say... I don't want to be selfish in my suffering. I want to "endure for the sake of the elect", not just my sake, that those who know Him would no Him more fully and those who don't would come to know Him.

This isn't necessarily an astounding revelation... but it renews my mind as I see the sun setting in my life and in the lives of others.

* * *

Side note... the second part of this blog title has to do with the fact that I posted a bunch of old blogs that I wrote but never set free (or removed, but am now re-posting). Take a look, if you've got the time. True, use of the word 'vintage' may be atrocious, but it got you to keep reading, didn't it? : )

Why I Blog

2008-09-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've discovered why I blog (...or don't blog).

It's not for lack of wanting, nor is it for lack of anything to say... come on, in the spectrum of windedness, I'm definitely privy to the long end of things. It's definitely something else.

It's something that Wallace Stegner (author) addresses in many of his writings and calls 'a sense of place'. This phenomenon pertains to a person's ability to connect with his or her environment or the extent to which he or she is able to connect to his or her environment. Bottom line -- all humans need it and all humans seek to get it (if they don't have it). Stegner argues that it is only achieved through physical means -- laying claim to land, spending time in nature, etc. However... I've had a bit of a different experience and I would broaden his definition to include more.

To me, 'a sense of place' has a lot to do with words, with communication. If I can somehow say what I mean to say, put something into the world that expresses truth, or revelation, or experience, or passion, or humor, or joy... and direct it 'homeward'... I am somehow comforted.

The most blogging I've ever done was at a time when I was not in a place I considered my physical home. I directed my words 'homeward' to forge some type of connection. And as I found my heart catching up with my body, the blogging began to diminish... my home was becoming where I stood. My roots were growing deep and my sense of displacement gave way to contentment. Rather than writing homeward, I began reaching outward, and I began to express myself to those around me.

So... why blog now, if I am content and have a sense of place?

This time, it is not that I have left 'home' or moved away from my concept of a physical 'home'... it is because a part of this home has departed to another place. Again... I find the need to direct my words (not all of them, but a generous helping) somewhere else, to commit to this connection and... hopefully... to help someone feel very much at home where he is. Ultimately... I hope all that is written will find its way, even if its circumnavigated, to the only real Home we will ever know -- and we will find rest there.

And so... that's why I blog.

Looking For Water

2008-09-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes getting what you prayed for does not always happen immediately... and sometimes it does.

Today, I prayed for water and I received it from quite an unexpected place.

"...'Why have you made us come up from Egypt, to bring us in to this wretched place? It is not a place of grain or figs or vines or pomegranates, nor is there water to drink ... So Moses took the rod from before the LORD, just as He had commanded him; and Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly before the rock. And he said to them, 'Listen now, you rebels; shall we bring forth water for you out of this rock?' Then Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth abundantly, and the congregation and their beasts drank. But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, 'Because you have not believed Me, to treat Me as holy in the sight of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them.' Those were the waters of Meribah, because the sons of Israel contended with the LORD, and He proved Himself holy among them." - Numbers 20:5, 9-13

Before I read these words, I prayed for water. I prayed that I would draw out my thirst with Water that is Alive, and not with broken cisterns of idolatry and false contentment. Reading this passage shed so much more light on that prayer than I thought possible...

At first I was afraid. I thought, "Is God trying to tell me something? Is He displeased with my prayer, was it somehow unrighteous?" I resolved to send these thoughts to bed without supper, but a discipline was on the rise. These words weren't meant to condemn me, but rather to warn me -- sternly. I wasn't praying for water from a spirit of complaint, but the line between dependence and contention is sometimes very blurry.

Numbers tells us that the sons of Israel contended with the Lord... what does this mean? It means that there was an attempt at power, a grappling for achievement. It means that Israel was seeking favor, not based on the Lord and His merit, but on their own deserving. There is also a spirit of malcontent seen here -- there is a heart that says, 'Lord, what do you know? Why aren't you doing anything about this?' I see small fibers of this heart weaving subtly throughout mine. I feel droplets of this blood coursing through my veins. It's not all of me anymore -- the Lord has done the major surgery of redemption -- but it's still part of me.

The conclusion is this: wait patiently for the water He provides. He will not give you stagnant water -- which you would happily settle for in a time of drought -- He will give you Living Water in due time, even within pages of your impatience. Flip to Numbers 21... He gives them water in verse 16. And what does Israel do? Praise the water. No comment on that particular sickness... it's overwhelmingly frustrating.

Bottom line: thank him, praise him and trust him. I hope I remember this when I am thirsty.

'Balance' vs. A Flood of Thoughts

2008-04-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

The piano comes in with a simple motive. The saxophone and trumpet follow in unison with a stern proclamation. The bass and drums form a forgiving framework and assert themselves sparingly and appropriately. Then confusion takes root and grows through the instruments -- each is left to fend for itself. Yet, this season ultimately gives way to a return to the motive -- the point of departure coexists as the point of arrival. This song, called 'Balance', is one of my favorites and is a redemptive part of jazz's disappointing recent history. It reminds me to return to the Truth -- in spite of confusion -- even when balance is that last thing that seems possible.

All of this is to say... I don't know what I'm talking about. Balance seems impossible to me, more often than not, these days. I want to know what I'm talking about, I want to unlock something... Yet, I don't know where to start. I know there is still something brewing inside of me, but I don't know what it is or where it is going. The frustration is getting to be too much to handle. What do I want to do? When was the last time I wanted to do something or be something? Where am I to go? What am I to do? Why am I so weary of these questions? What am I trying to say? What words need flesh? What needs to be breathed into existence? Where am I missing the point? When will I arrive at that place, that spacious place I've been waiting for? What was I made to do, what was I made to be?

I wish I could be more patient. I wish I could see You more clearly and be content with the questions. I don't want to be afraid of a different life. I don't want to be afraid of letting go of what I love. I don't want to be afraid of losing... of failure. I don't want to be afraid of possibility.

The 100

2008-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

1. I am at work. 2. I love my job. 3. I can’t believe that I am surrounded by people that are so uplifting… all the time. 4. I hope that I am just as uplifting as they are. 5. I enjoy asking my roommate random questions before we go to sleep at night. 6. Last night’s question was: “if you could sum up your life in one word, what would you want it to be?” 7. She answered: “Service.” 8. I answered: “Love.” 9. That reminds me of a conference I went to last summer… we were asked this question: “What is your shadow mission?” (a mission based on self-interest that is a skewed version of your God-given mission) 10. Mine came to mind fairly quickly. 11. I’m listening to “Boards of Canada” right now. 12. I’m really enjoying ambient music these days. 13. I’m exploring what it means to communicate in non-verbal ways. 14. Sometimes I am too verbal, I think. 15. I want my actions to line up with my words. 16. Leading a life of consistency and balance is one of my most important values. 17. I also value honesty. 18. I’m also afraid of honesty. 19. I like praying with people. 20. I feel like people are in a state of utmost honesty when they pray. 21. Listening to the sound of the Truth being preached through the walls of the prayer room is one of my favorite sounds. 22. If anyone I work with were to read this they’d probably give me a lot of Churchy Points for saying that. 23. But I truly believe it. 24. I hate being called Churchy. 25. There are few things that offend me more. 26. Whoo, that got my heart going. 27. On to better things. 28. I’m not doing so well at playing the mandolin. 29. I’m not getting in very much practice time. 30. If it weren’t so windy, I’d take it to the park and practice in the sun. 31. Then, I would have dinner with my dad. 32. Sometimes being with my dad is a strange mixture of encouragement and frustration. 33. Lately more frustration than encouragement. 34. Someone he is close to died recently. 35. I wish that times like these would drive him into Jesus’ arms for comfort. 36. I know they do, but he fights His embrace pretty hard. 37. I don’t believe him when he tells me that he’s far from God. 38. I believe he’s closer than he thinks… he’s just scared as hell (and scared of hell). 39. Again, I wish he’d run to Jesus. 40. I can hear Anchordown practicing right now. 41. They’re playing the song “Thank You for Loving Me”. 42. It’s bringing tears to my eyes. 43. I love that sound, too… the sound of worship practice through the walls of my office. 44. “Practicing worship” is an interesting phrase. 45. “Practicing worship” should overtake “Worship Practice”. 46. I recently was able to truly practice worship during a worship practice. 47. It was incredibly refreshing and real. 48. I can’t believe I’m on #48. 49. There are so many things I should be doing right now. 50. This list is not one of them. 51. I need to make a phone call regarding the printing of new programs for Living Stones. 52. I can’t stand talking on the phone. 53. Text messaging is even worse (but I do it anyway). 54. Texting isn’t even a word. 55. It has a squiggly red line beneath it. 56. That never signifies anything positive. 57. Misspellings can be funny. 58. The church recently made new coffee cart coupons and there was an awesome typo on the back. 59. Instead of “specialty” coffees, it says “speciality” coffees. 60. I’m not sure if Grace or Living Stones can call coffee it’s “speciality”. 61. We’re getting new coffee soon. 62. It’s Rwandan coffee… buying it supports local farmers and helps rebuild the war-torn country. 63. Shameless plug. 64. I actually had this coffee at a conference last fall. 65. Didn’t really like it—but it wasn’t brewed very well, that’s why. 66. I’m fairly certain that I make my coffee too strong. 67. I’ll probably get an ulcer or something. 68. But, by gosh, I love coffee. I will love it to the end. 69. Good to the last drop, right? 70. Hmmm… Brandon Heath just came on my iTunes playlist. 71. I have mixed feelings about his music. 72. I like it most of the time. 73. He is a good looking fellah. 74. “Fellah” is a strange word. 75. It looks Arabic. 76. What a language that is! 77. I’ve heard that speaking it can be equated with trying to talk with a spoonful of peanut butter in your mouth. 78. Sign me up… NOT. 79. I have a friend that used to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter. 80. He used to put a divot in the center with his tongue and put chocolate sauce in the center. 81. Chocolate makes everything better. 81. I miss that friend. 82. He is with the Lord. 83. Sometimes I picture him in heaven. 84. He’s in a log cabin house (which Jesus’ hands built together with his hands) with light streaming in and around and through the house. 85. There’s tall grass surrounding it—blowing in a gentle breeze. 86. It may not be Biblically accurate and good eschatology… but it’s a comforting picture for my feeble mind to wrap itself around. 87. My phone just rang… it startled me! 88. I love drinking room temperature water. 89. Not too cold, but not at all warm. 90. I’m going to a softball game tonight. 91. I wonder if it will be cancelled because of the wind. 92. If so, no bother… I’ve got plenty to keep me occupied at home. 93. I love saying the word “home”. 94. It feels good to have some semblance of a home on this earth. 95. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that way. 96. This list is 3 pages long at 12-point font. 97. Again, I’m probably too verbal. 98. But it feels good to write and to be myself. 99. I hope Jesus is pleased with that.

Clean & Green

2008-04-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Well, well... it would seem that being on Facebook has already assisted in my chronic blog neglect. I feel compelled to keep things as coherent as possible -- and Facebook, although beneficial for up-to-date info -- does not lend itself well to deeper contemplation. Hence, the blog.

So... today marked the first of four community clean-up events in Reno during the month of April: Clean & Green. Other than getting my nose sunburnt (which isn't half bad since it is a sign that summer is near), I was reminded of much Truth.

Romans 8 tells us that creation was subjected to futility, but not willingly, and eagerly awaits the revealing of the sons of God; and today, during Clean & Green, some friends and I found a culvert that was absolutely screaming for redemption. We picked up more than 6 HUGE bags of garbage and made a pretty significant dent. However, there was so much more garbage to meet the eye than that of the physical. This culvert seemed to be subjected to the histories, futilities and idolatries of so many hurting people. Most of the garbage we picked up told of men and women who were held captive by substances, addictions, hopelessness... it was difficult to uncover so much garbage only to find more, and more, and more.

If anything, today served as a reminder to get on with the job. There is so much -- too much -- that holds me back from being an agent of redemption in the world. It's all selfish. Creation's eagerly awaiting, the Holy Spirit's groaning, and Jesus is interceding for this miracle of redemption -- a work into which even angels long to look. How often am I aligned with these things?

I'm glad that this work will be finished one day. I'm glad that death will no longer reign in these mortal bodies and in the blink of an eye we will all be changed. The culvert and I are pretty happy about that.

The World Is Now A Smaller Place

2008-04-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the blog neglect is truly out of hand ... but if any of you still peruse this page, you should know this: I finally joined Facebook today. I know, I know ... I have vehemently fought it for a looooong time. I've given excuses, I've forgone fulfilling friend requests, deleting them from my inbox with trembling hands, trying so hard not to give in. But ... ironically enough ... my voice teacher is requiring me to do it. So, I've gone and done it. Moral of the story ... I'd love to be in touch. Hopefully this will help. Peace to you!

We Need To Talk

2007-07-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

Have a seat. This may take a while.

Friends, being that the blog is the communicative tool that it is and being that I am as hungry for observations and insights as I am, I am going to open up a giant can of worms.

I am on staff at my church here in Reno and we are currently in the process of probing and exploring what is being termed the Emerging Church Movement. Yes, big can of worms. But we know that big worms catch big fish. Don't ask me what that's supposed to mean. : )

My first encounter with the words "emerging" and "emergent" was not a good one. A good friend of mine warned me of this phenomenon and it's penchant for watered-down or false doctrine. I looked it up myself, went to emergentvillage.com, and found little or no information. I was able to put the whole issue on the back burner for a while. That is, until it started hissing, the lid started jumping and fizzing and the whole pot boiled over onto everything. I can't ignore it now. It's something I have to think about ... pretty much every day. I have to stir this pot, look at its ingredients, taste it, carefully watch what I put into it and take out of it.

Honestly, the Lord has been faithful to lead us (the people I work with and myself) in Truth thus far. I have been amazed at how "not-scary" the conversation has been. There are indeed some exciting changes happening in Western culture and in the church. However, I proceed with caution, for as the day draws near, many will seek to have their ears tickled and egos stroked -- and turn away from the One who calls us to love enemies, bless persecutors, turn cheeks and who calls our hearts to embrace the sting of suffering.

Bottom line ... I want to know what you think. Anyone, everyone, from every context and country and culture ... if you have something to say, please do. What do you think is happening in the Western World? Are we experiencing a cultural shift? What does emerging mean to you? What have you found out there? I would love to hear your perspectives and thoughts. Shoot me a comment or an e-mail. Thanks, everyone.

Better Than Wine

2007-07-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

"Reality is like a fine wine. It will not appeal to children." - A successful businessman in Portland, c/o the incomparable Donald Miller in his book, Searching For God Knows What ...

I have been a child in so many ways. Not a child in the "let the little children come to Me" sense, but a child in the most obstinate, strong-willed, human sense.

These last few years have seen many changes -- understatement. And I feel as if that statement passes my lips all too often, as if I'm trying to provide explanation for the new wrinkles around my eyes and the all too frequent discovery of gray hairs on my head. But don't let the wrinkles fool you; I'm still very much a child.

I've discovered over this past month that most of the pain in my life -- aside from the absolute blessing of the Father's discipline -- is caused by both my inability to say no, and my unwillingness to take no for an answer. There are times, whether it be regarding a decision to be made, a relationship with a gentleman, what have you ... when God answers my petitions with a resounding "no", and I barter and haggle until I get my way. Then I do. Then it hurts. Then I'm upset. Then I say things like, "Why are You doing this?" and "What on earth is happening?" ... oh, child.

A few weeks ago, I laid in bed one night, plagued with the recurring doubts of my past and youth (ironically enough), grieving over choices and things left unsaid, and I cried. Hard and loud, like a child. And I heard that "still, small voice" and He said, "No." He said no; and it was the absolute most comforting sound in the world at that moment. No! No, don't grieve any longer. No, don't question any longer. No, don't carry this guilt and shame. No, you can't have that dream. No, you have to wait. No.

I felt as if I could breathe again. In a moment my chest obtained greater capacity to breathe, to live. All because He said no ... and this time it was okay. No more fighting, no more haggling, no more sulking, no more shame. I am thankful that He has said "no" so many times. He has denied me things that will surely hurt me and said "no" to free me up for the things He will say "yes" to.

He is a good God.

Back to the wine ... I'm not at all saying that a person's distaste for alcohol has any correlation to their spiritual maturity. However, the principle is absolute. When you become a man (or woman) you put away childish things and put on maturity; this is a sign of falling in love, growing in love with Jesus. Your tastes change, you gain a greater capacity to perceive God and His glory with these feeble eyes and ears and taste buds.

I'm turning 23 in a week or so ... and I'm looking forward to growing up. I'm looking forward to being in relationship with Christ, having my tastes change, and thereby experiencing more of Him. I'm looking forward to having my life catch up with the wrinkles on my face and the gray hairs on my head. Praise God for choosing us to be in relationship with Him -- and for saying "no" when we need it so desperately.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. " -Psalm 84:11

The Fatal Cut

2007-02-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

".... but i don’t want medication just give me liberation even if it cuts my legs right out from under me don’t give me medication i want the real sensation even when living feels just like death to me." - Derek Webb, "Medication" "If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell." - Matthew 5:29-30 ___________________________________________________________________

Just some thoughts I've been having lately. -KB

___________________________________________________________________ Plastic surgery can be a scary thing. Given, there are times when it can be warranted, but that's more of an exception than a rule. Not only is socially acceptable, but it is socially expected when one is faced with a physical flaw, regardless of it's severity. It is the finding of a nose or a wrinkle, and adapting it to fit our own standards of perfection. And as an analogy to our inward being, it is a proceedure that is fatal. I know that I surgically alter my flaws. No, not in a physical sense, but in my deepest part. I know the fact that I am flawed haunts me, angers me, and I seek many solutions other than the one offered by Christ. But what He is asking for is amputation. He wants to offer the freedom that comes from cutting it off and throwing it far away. On one hand I've thought, "Maybe this is too violent. Doesn't the grace of Christ pay for this, and isn't cutting this limb from my life an attempt at self-righteousness? Am I trying to be in charge of my own cleanness and spitting in the face of Christ's mercy and grace?" This hand is right, to a certain extent. A healthy amputation can quickly become an act of self-mutilation if the grace of Christ isn't considered. If we cut off an offensive limb without believing that Christ is sufficient to lavish love and healing in it's place, we spit on Him. If we gauge out an eye in an attempt to make ourselves more worthy or acceptable in His sight, we deem Him incapable of loving us while we were yet sinners (part of what makes Him so amazing). The Great Physician would not prescribe amputation unless it were necessary. As terrifying as it is, we must approach the procedure with complete trust and obedience--anything less would be plastic surgery, a far more terrifying fate.

This Sounds About Right, Doesn't It?

2007-01-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk		85%
Superman		80%
Spider-Man		75%
Supergirl		75%
The Flash		65%
Wonder Woman		55%
Iron Man		50%
Catwoman		45%
Robin		40%
Batman		35%
Green Lantern		35%

You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Tenudo

2006-11-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well .... here I am. It is all too overwhelming to try and capture all that has happened since the last post .... but rather than filing it all away in the "too much time and effort to blog about" pile, I'll employ a helpful tactic: a list. I've made them before, and they do help. So, without further ado, "The List" part two (I didn't intend to rhyme, but I like it anyway).

The title of this post comes from a musical symbol which, when written over a note, implies that a note be held out for its full value -- and even exceed the limits of its value a little bit. That is what each day has felt like since the beginning of the semester. Each day is held out for it's full value -- not to the point of crossing the lines of time and space -- but full nonetheless. I wish I could say that I perceive each moment's fullness as God intends, but honestly, at times .... I'm just busy. There are days in which I run from one thing to the next and I don't see my little nest for 18 hours. Yet, I cannot deny that I am thankful for each of the things placed in my life for one reason or another.
One of those things is school. I love school. It's a frightening thought, but I can see myself being a perpetual student, ultimately to assume my place as the eccentric older lady sitting in the front of the classroom, laughing at the most inappropriate times. Oh, the joy .... I think I'm exaggerating a little bit, but I am enjoying myself. I'm taking mostly Music classes: theory, history, choir, piano, a voice lesson .... and an English Lit class (I'm testing the waters to see if I want to minor in it). Each class has a wonderful professor, each class has taught me so many interesting things, and each class has offered me both joy and challenge. It's funny .... I still don't know what I'm doing, but my feet are moving. A few weeks ago, I was in the car with my dad. I was having a bit of an overwhelming moment as I contemplated everything on the plate before me, and doubting that the "things" in my life had purpose. As I was on the verge of tears, my dad said something so clear and beautiful. He said, "I know that you're on the right track." It was straight from the mouth of God. Yes, parents are often known to say such things, but I know that neither my Heavenly Father nor my earthly father would say this unless it were true. I know that God is unique and none of His plans can be thwarted. The path He orchestrates, with its turns, rocks, roots, hills and vales is sure to be completed. If we are chosen of God, this is our reality. We will hear Him saying "This is the Way ... walk in it" whether we turn to the right or to the left. So .... all is well.
I've also recently started singing at my church. It has been a privilege to communicate in this way again. Its also so wonderful to get to know the Family better, with all their quirks and glories. It is an honor to serve alongside and be related to such favorites as: lead guitarists in their own little worlds, friendly and encouraging bass players, women who embody Proverbs 31 to the extreeeeeeeme, prayerful and humble little drummer boys, and leaders, visionaries rather, whose lives are lived in unbelievable honesty. I consider myself the least of such a band of troubadours, but so thankful to be with them, to learn from them. It is a challenge to serve in this way and there exists a seriousness and responsibility with proclaiming the Truth and communicating this way. I often feel dirty, exposed and unworthy as I stand before the congregation. But a few days ago, the Lord led me to John chapter 8, the story of the adulterous woman (caught in the act) who is set free. It's interesting. Even after the stones of judgment have departed with the hands that carried them, the woman continues to stand in her shame. Jesus askes her, "Who is it that comdemns you?" There is no one. He then says, "Neither do I. Go. And sin no more." I am often like this woman. Even after judgment has been undone, I still choose to stand in my shame -- shame of the past, present, future -- the very shame of which Christ has made me more than a conqueror through Him. Yet, Christ says to go. Do no dwell on the shame. Go live. Go and enjoy the freedom of no longer being a slave to sin. Go and proclaim what He has done before the congregation and do not restrain your lips. I am thankful to be learning this, slowly arriving to it alongside such a patient and gentle Teacher.
There is much more to say .... but it will all come out in time. In the meantime, I am thankful for those of you who, in your blog hopping, have visited the blog called Brown with laughter and rolled eyes because of its painful neglect (and yet you still come back). I send you my love. I remain your friend. I remain your servant.

According to my blog, I really am forever 21!

2006-08-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

To the eyes which grace this page (but more importantly the people behind them), I issue an apology for the lapse in posting. The last part of summer (after the Wedding Tour) has proven to be quite busy, indeed. Work + work + work + lack of internet access = no blogging for Kristine Brown. Yet this equation has been a nice change ... I really like to work hard and I've learned so much. School starts in a few days, and as I sit in the library, many students scurry around me to finish up their preparations. I must go and do the same. Friends, hold fast to your confession of faith without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. This has been returning to me again and again as the weeds and tares of the world spring up to unearth the seeds He has sown in my life. Hold on tight and remember that you are held onto.

Forever 21

2006-07-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

It kind of makes me laugh that there is actually a clothing store by this name .... mostly because I can't imagine what it would be like to be 21 forever. To be honest, completely honest, the thought of being 21 forever makes me want to run far, far away and hide, hide, hide. I'm quite glad that my 21st year has now given way to the 22nd on this very HOT, very beauitful summer day. My 21st year was the perpetual waiting room ... I waited and waited, the entire year, for many things. However, the waiting did not give way to hope, for I waited for what was not worthy to be waited on. In the process of waiting for the Lord to show me the right way to go (i.e. the right ministry, the right church to invest in) I went the wrong way and forsook many "today"s. I waited so much for what was "right" that I missed out on much of "now" and found that my life was "wrong". Lots of quotes. (just pretend they are all accompanied by the hand motions : ) Yet, the Lord counts my life anything but a waste .... He has performed much, even in the midst of my waiting. And better yet, He still offers an outstretched hand which beckons me to jump in and enjoy today with Him. I am thankful today. "Those who hopefully wait for ME will not be put to shame" (Isaiah 49:23) -- a beautiful promise from a beautiful God.

Definitely The Next Blog Trend

2006-07-08T09:34:00.001-07:00

Whilst I was at Capernwray Harbour, I was exposed to the brave new world of Photobooth and its many devices. At first I was really self-conscious with it, but I must now admit that I find it very entertaining. Here are some gems from my recent visit with my dear friend Erin in Bellingham (and by recent I mean right now .... I haven't left yet). Hope all is well for all of you!

Still Enjoying ...

2006-06-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

What a holiday this has been. Before I left for this "Wedding Tour", I questioned whether or not I was really meant to go .... I was ready to cancel my ticket and call the whole thing off. However, I am so thankful that the Lord stilled my hand. This whole adventure has been one of deep and meaningful healing for me. It has been filled with everything: excitement, reunion, deep sorrow, abundant comfort, meaningful conversation, welcomed quiet .... The Lord has reminded me and assured me of what is really important: to love Him and love others, genuinely and urgently, and to BE nourishment for them through the abundant resources of Christ. The 5,000 were fed by bread that was broken. And we too are this broken bread, broken in thanksgiving, multiplied to the glory of God. Friends, may we not be afraid to be poured out and spent. Loss is gain. Death is the vehicle for Life. That's the Truth. I love you all, with the greatest affection. I will write more in detail soon .... but now I am still enjoying.

June 25th, 2006

2006-06-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow

". . . what shall I say? ’Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. ’Father, glorify Your name’ —John 12:27-28

As a saint of God, my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not from the hour, but out of the hour. We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them. Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

2006-06-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

"O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free -- rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me. Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love; leading onward, leading homeward, to my glorious rest above. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore! How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, never-more; How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own; How for them He intercedeth watches o'er them from the throne. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, Love of every love the best; 'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'Tis a haven sweet of rest. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'Tis a heav'n of heav'ns to me; and it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee. Amen."

Weirdness

2006-06-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

So strange!! I took these pictures two weeks ago on my first trip to the Lake in two years (long time no see), sent them to the blog that same day, and they only posted just this week .... very odd. Well, back to the Oilers game. I have to say, it's exciting to be watching it from this side (meaning Canada). More to come soon ....

Goin' To Lake Tar-hoe

2006-06-14T09:25:00.001-07:00

A few years ago there was this funny ad campaign in Nevada encouraging people to go to Lake Tahoe .... in one of the commercials there was a family sitting around wondering what to do upon which time some random old guy, dressed to look like he had just stepped out of an 1800's silver mine, was sent to give them guidance by saying, "I'm goin' to Lake Tar-hoe!" .... kind of pirate-esque ..... very funny. In my opinion, Lake Tahoe speaks for itself and needs no cheesy ad campaign. So beautiful.

Lake Tahoe

2006-06-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

The Art of Thankfulness

2006-06-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in Starbucks this morning I remembered something I had forgotten. This time last year (and most likely at that precise moment), I would probably have been doing dishes after breakfast. It probably would've been either pancakes or french toast. The plates would be dripping with syrup and dream whip from children who laid it on thick as their teacher's backs were turned. The mugs would be filled with curdled milk as kids discovered that you indeed cannot add milk to herbal tea. : ) And I would've had to make some choices. First of all, I would need to choose a song to sing. Or if a song was already being sung, I would need to choose whether or not to sing along. Although singing was an outward expression, seeming to be of little or no consequence, it was always a sign of a deeper decision. It was the decision of whether or not to be thankful. Would I choose a song of thankfulness to be the offering of my heart? Would I join in as others initiated their offerings of the same? As I sat in Starbucks, I realized the laziness of my heart in this moment one year later. I don't really have to do those dishes anymore. I don't really sing as I work anymore (the music we play is so loud, you can barely think). Yet the choice is still the same. Will I be thankful to God? Will I choose to sing that song? I wrote in my journal, giving thanks to God for many things. And for the first time in a long time, my perspective changed. I had always been amazed at how drastically thankfulness changed my perspective. Mere survival became abundant life and silence or apathy toward God became continuous and contagious praise. I had forgotten that. I'm glad He is good at reminding.

"This is the day that the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it ... blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord. The Lord is God, and He has given us light; bind the festival sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar. You are my God, and I give thanks to You; You are my God, and I extol you. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting." -Psalm 118:24, 26-29

Announcing .... Wedding Tour 2006

2006-06-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

Well, In about a week I will be leaving for a month long adventure which I lovingly call, "Wedding Tour 2006". Strange name, yes. It is a voyage comprised of going to weddings, visiting friends and loved ones, and (most likely and hopefully) a stop at Capernwray Harbour during the first Holiday Bible Week. It's funny that I am still calling it the "Wedding Tour" because I'm only attending two weddings now. It would have been more, but I had to scale back. Maybe I should call the trip something else ..... any suggestions will be considered. The two weddings are that of Erin and John, dear LTS friends, and my best friend Trista to her Matthew Deaver. Hopefully I will be able to post some pictures of these joyous occassions and of the rest of the trip .... we shall see! I am excited to go. I have a lot more I would like to say, but I will save it for another time --- a time when my thoughts are more collected. Until then, enjoy the fact that He is trustworthy and build upon that Truth. This I pray for myself and for all. Enjoy the day He has made, friends.

Today At Preschool ....

2006-05-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have mentioned this or not, but one of my three jobs (the other two being: Sales Associate at American Eagle Outfitters [just a fancy way of saying "I work there"] and live-in nanny) is substitute teaching at a Christian Preschool. What a blast and what a challenge. But today if just made me laugh ... oh, yes ... so I show up after lunch time and one of the girls immediately says to me, "You look like a Chinese person!" ... oh my word, I wanted to roll on the floor. I think I'm the most racially ambiguous person in the world. I'm an Irish-Norwegian-Austrian-German American who has been told she looks like she's Chinese, Mexican, Hawaiian ... Puerto Rican? Italian? I'd have to have some friends help me remember what else I am. What a riot. Then, as we were praying for their teacher (who has a nasty cold) one of the girls just started praying for people who fall out of roller coasters at Disneyland. This is most likely because we were talking about the Good Samaritan and when I asked the kids how they could help people, one of the boys said that they could help people who had fallen out of roller coasters. Makes sense. So funny. Just thought I'd share.

One Year On ... Someday.

2006-05-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

I have to admit ... it feels good to sit here and blog at this moment. It's nice to be able to sit at this computer at UNR and write a bit. The fact that the writing has nothing to do with projects, formal e-mails to professors, papers or deadlines certainly helps. I first have to say that I have enjoyed the influx of e-mails in the last week or so ... Now that we (the LTS of 04-05) are "One Year On", I think we are each taking stock and evaluating what our Lord has done. It is good to hear from all --- words of conviction, words of encouragement, all brimming with the personalities God has created to glorify Him. I miss all of you and think of you often (not just LTS, everyone I had the pleasure of meeting and knowing and loving at Capernwray Harbour). It's funny, though ... I don't really feel as if I am one year on. My time at Capernwray didn't follow the usual September to May timeclock (if there is even such a thing) ... it was more like, September to December, December to August, September to December, December to March, March to October ... a lot happens in the in between. A lot. A lot of joy, a lot the knitting together of hearts, a lot of life, a lot of flesh, a lot of reality. A lot of which I am still recovering from. Leaving Capernwray 6 months ago was the hardest thing I have ever done. I often recall Richard Dahlstrom's teaching of Genesis, specifically that of Joseph, when I think about the situation ... the death of a dream. I still remember when he taught it my first year ... tears came to his eyes. My eyes filled with tears, as well. They are now. What a painful part of the human experience ... yet so necessary. How dare we take the dream God has given and refuse to submit it to His hand. I realize now that this was in many ways what I had done. God brought me to Capernwray to reveal to me a dream, and I refused to submit it to His hand and allow Him to give and take away ... I struggled with the belief that I could live or be alive outside of Capernwray ... not just the supposed "bubble" or "safe-haven" ... but away from the family that I had come to love so deeply, away from what I loved doing, away from what I had thought to be my purpose. I have struggled in Reno to remember my purpose. Much of the time I feel as if I have none --- but only because it doesn't look like I thought my purpose to be. I have despaired many times in believing that God is done with me. Really done with me. I have honestly thought that His only purpose for me would be to die with grace and humor and dignity. How hopeless this belief has been and how unwilling it has made me to open up to Him, let alone trust and surrender ... I have rather been afraid of Him many, many times. Yet, He is relentless in His pursuit to bring me to the Truth. Always. I am ever under His careful instruction and I am still trained by the yoke of His sufferings. His persistence is unrelenting --- and I am thankful for that although sometimes it is the very thing that frightens me the most. I have asked Him so many times not to give up on me, and He has yet to show any indication of doing so ... He is good. There has also been so much to be thankful for: - Spending so much time with my dad ... what a joy. I love laughing with him, talking politics, talking jazz, watching "The Simpson's" and quoting it relentlessly, remembering things I had forgotten, drinking coffee with him ... so wonderful. - Talking to my mom on the phone and having her voice sound like the mom I remember and love ... she reassures me and comforts me when I am aching. I get so excited when I talk to her on the phone, so excited that I pace around the house the whole time and talk a million miles a minute -- and this is from someone who hates talking on the phone! - School has been awesome. My classes have sent my head spinning in so many directions and I have often felt unable to process everything I've received ... but I have been so thankful for the challenge. The biggest challenge has been genuinely asking God what He thinks of everything, what answers He gives to all of the questions that surround us. He fulfills them all. Truly. This semester I have seen that there is a tension in our world, a tension made by seeking the answers to these questions of God and waiting for the answers --- it is the tension that keeps us in dependence upon our Father, all the pieces of us. It's the tension of the meantime, while we wait for His complete redemption --- everyone knows it --- the whole world knows it. The rocks know it. The trees know it. And they want to know God. They really do. I still pray that I am a willing vessel, bringing the best news, the Good News, the news everyone wants to hear but doesn't know what channel it's on. I am so thankful that God has brought me back to school, if only to learn this -- begin to learn it anyway. He is still walking with me, still teaching me. A long time ago, I asked God what it meant for Him to "carry us". I think this is part of what I have and am still learning. This lesson offers many painful moments of wondering if He's there, of looking at the ground beside you and seeing no footprints of His presence. But He is there. He has been reminding me again and again of Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." The thought of being His student alongside Him dispells the lies of loneliness. We can be right at His side, learning from Him, enjoying His rest, laughing, crying, all of it. We can have life in its fullness at His side, under His labor and care. I could go on ... but I won't. I know how hard it is to read posts that are this long, and I thank you if you've made it to the end. If you've skimmed it, thanks. If you comment, thanks. If you don't comment, thanks. In everything, thanks. Press further on and further in friends ... I look forward to being "one year on" someday.

And I'm sure, for the first time, I would quietly listen.

2006-04-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you today. For no reason in particular. Just thinking. If we were to talk, I'm sure there's a lot you would say. And I'm sure, for the first time, I would quietly listen.

We're Taking This Lying Down

2006-03-31T18:13:00.000-08:00

Watch a CNN news story about the situation in Uganda for which this demonstration is taking place. For a promo of the Global Night Commute, click here. I became aware of all of this a few nights ago through my roommate Andrea, who I come to admire more and more for her genuine concern for people. I highly recommend watching the CNN video, if you have the time. This demonstration, the Global Night Commute, is taking place all over the world (although this video only mentions America). The demonstration is in order to raise awareness about the ongoing war in Uganda, a situation that is spread over country lines and into many parts of Africa. The website is very informative, as well. I recommend the faq page. "Is this not the fast I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, and undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke?" (Isaiah 58:6) I know that God doesn't need any public sleepovers to prove His point, but He is so clear about where His heart is. He loves. And He acts on it. "Arise, shine; for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you." (Isaiah 60:1)

It Smelled Like Spring Today ...

2006-03-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

After a few weeks of on and off snow, it was refreshing to see the sun today. It was good. There's healing involved in being able to drive with the windows down, arm out, blasting Coldplay's "Fix You" loud enough for everyone to sing along. There's much more I would like to say, but not now. There is much to be said about the exclusivity between a person and their God. And the truth is, sometimes I say too much. I was reminded today that the most beautiful victories in this life go unseen by human eye ... kept secret, kept sacred. Ultimately, this intimacy will lead to the manifestation of His sweet fragrance in our lives ... and with it He will reach His world.

"... for if there is one thing more certain than another, it is that the development of hinds' feet is a secret process, demanding that there should be no onlookers." -Hannah Hurnard

So ... that's all. Go to Him.

BY THE WAY, AS A SIDE NOTE, I TRIED GOOGLING "RENO IN SPRING" SO I COULD HAVE A PICTURE WITH THIS POST, AND GUESS WHAT CAME UP? A PICTURE OF JANET RENO FROM HARVARD'S SPRING LAW REVIEW AND A PICTURE OF SPRING DR. IN RENO COVERED IN 5 FT. OF SNOW. I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLY FUNNY. I TRIED UPLOADING THE PICTURES BUT THEY WERE COPYWRITTEN ... COPYWRITED ... WHATEVER ... RATS TO THAT!

One Lump or Two?

2006-03-15T00:12:00.000-08:00

Upon looking at my profile I noticed something ... it has been viewed by 93 people. 93 people? How does this work? Who are you? What are you about? I will probably never know ... but thanks for stopping by. I consider both your intentional and mistaken appearances as brief chats over hot cups of herbal tea (for we don't want to be kept up all night). If you know me, you know I enjoy that kind of thing. Come again.

Thy Mercy, My God ...

2006-03-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song, the joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue. Thy free grace alone from the first to the last has won my affections and bound my soul fast. Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here. Sin would reduce me to utter despair. But, through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revive, and He that first made me still keeps me alive. Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart, which wonders to feel its own hardness depart, dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground and weep for the praise of the mercy I've found [found me, rather]. Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own and the covenant love of Thy crucified Son. All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

This is a song by Sandra McCracken. The name may seem unfamiliar, but I'm sure we would all be familiar with her work, she's pretty prolific. Her latest CD (which she produced with her husband Derek Webb, another favorite of mine) has been a comforting soundtrack to my life in the last week or so. In the last little while, I have been very much aware of my need for God's mercy ... Very simple, but very real. It's easy to shove the principle of mercy aside, sticking it on the shelf of worn out Christian idioms ... You might place it somewhere in between John 3:16 and Sunday School felt boards and be content to leave it there. It sits in the archives of "stuff we already know". But I know that I don't know it. I've put it on that shelf many times and God always picks it up and opens it up for me in countless ways, reminding me in fear and trembling that I need Him and His mercy desperately. This morning in the car, all I could ask was for His mercy. It was 9:30 in the morning. If things had gone according to schedule, I would have made this drive about two hours before. I had a paper due in my 8am class (which I slept through) and my 9am class was a lost cause. I had slept through my alarm, in fact, I probably shut it off and went back to sleep -- I can't remember. I was mortified. Why? Probably reputation. Bad grades. There are countless things that, when stripped away, leave us bare and aware of our need of an Advocate. I deserved to be punished. In a way, I wanted to be punished, to feel like I could pay for the mistake myself and be done with it. But I can't. It frustrates me that I can't, but what on earth could I possibly do to make it right? Where did I get the idea that I could? This self-life of mine constantly needs to be submitted and laid very low. And He showed Himself good .... While looking for my professor, she actually found me and gladly accepted my paper. And as I worried about the remainder of the day, about how I would be able to both work and fill a commitment I had made to cook dinner for a new mom in my bible study and make it to my evening class on time .... Just saying it makes me tired ... He cancelled my shift for the day and gave me the freedom of an afternoon for other things. At the end of a day like this, it's easy for me to feel paralyzed. At times it's a stillness of awe, but mostly it's the trembling fear of a child faced with a love she doesn't understand and wanting desperately to respond to it, but at a loss of knowing how. I don't really understand why He is so good to me. The circumstances He delivered me from are so small, but it I can barely put a "thank you" past my lips. A "thank you" seems too small. In that moment it's easy to just shut off, and I often do. It's easy to try and brush off the guilt and console yourself with an empty "thanks" and carry on. Lucky for us we can't. But we can surrender and know that, in Christ, our willingly offered lives bring Him pleasure and honor and He is more than abundant to satisfy His own requirements, including that of a thankful heart. He is not only the motivation, but the sustenance of a thankful heart and life. I want to know this stronger more deeply. I'm glad He keeps taking His mercy off the shelf and reminding me to drink deep. "Thy mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:23

It's been a while ...

2006-02-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

I guess so much has happened lately and so much time has past that the thought of blogging has become overwhelming to me. So overwhelming. I've started a few posts in the last couple of weeks, but I always end up reaching for the backspace and inevitably, back to square one --- and wondering if blogging is the right thing for me. I look back at some of the posts of the past months and it truly has been such a relief to express these things ... but at what cost? I'm finding that it is difficult to be in the blogging world and still be engaged in my surroundings, as well. Does anyone else find it hard? At times I feel as if I pour so much investment into sharing my heart and thoughts here that I have a hard time investing elsewhere. The e-mails to reply to, the people that I WANT to reply to, are piling up again ... I'm not sure if the people I love know they are loved ... and am I really loving them if only in thought? How can it be love if not conceived to action? So ..... I'm just thinking things over. I am somewhat confident that this will not be my last post, but some things have to change. Just one last thing ..... in my language class we talked about blogging and how it is connecting more people than ever before; but we are dangerously and painfully more isolated as a people than ever before. I wonder if it's true.

The List

2006-01-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

There are so many thoughts swimming through my head right now. I suppose school will do that to me. I really need to vent some things. First of all, I like lists. They are helpful to me. Not because I use them to keep organized ... but I seem to enjoy writing things down, whether there is a reason or not, it's thereputic.

I'm in a language/linguistics class. It's pretty interesting, but it's making me notice things in myself that I don't like. I don't like how my language changes in different situations. I don't like how my diction is elevated when I'm in class. I don't like how it's so sarcastic when I talk to people I care about. I don't like how it is sheepish and reserved when I meet new people. Am I being who I am, am I all of these things?
I'm tired of hearing about the machine. Fight the "machine". Rage against the "machine". That's just how the "machine" works. What? Are we degraded to an object with no empathy, no capability for real growth -- just upgrade and decay? Or are we just in a machine that we have no control over? How do we fight it? Are we supposed to fight it? Is it even there? Or did we just invent it in order to have something to talk about?
Why am I housesitting in order to earn money in order to live in a house that I'm unable to live in because I'm housesitting?
I am so overwhelmed. Not with homework. Not with the cost of education. I'm overwhelmed by the culture of it all. I don't want to be one of the people who walk around this campus dead faced and engrossed in my iPod. I don't want to be accepted into the intellectually elite at the cost of really knowing and loving people ... I don't want to have the best ideas. I don't want to get full credit for participation because I said what I know the professor wanted to hear and appeased the textbook authors by developing the thoughts that they were steering me to develop. How do I escape this?
I don't remember what it was like before. I don't recall what I was thinking three and a half years ago when I encountered all of this for the first time. I wish I could remember, maybe then I wouldn't feel so crazy. I don't think I skimmed over these emotions and thoughts, but at the same time, wouldn't I know it if I had? I guess I didn't necessarily expect to face these things again .... but perhaps I'm facing it again so that I can think differently about it this time. Maybe it can be new and true.
I think what it's all coming down to is the renewal of the mind. Our minds are going to get cluttered with propaganda, events, feelings, opinions ... but the Lord wants to take it all and sift and process it into something pure and real. Something we can adhere to and embrace, rather than turn away in disgust. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. For through grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has alotted to each a measure of faith." (Romans 12:2-3)
Lists are so helpful to me.

Back To It

2006-01-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am .... one of the thousands of computers at the UNR campus, amidst a phonic sea of typing and obnoxious cell phone ringtones (the most popular right now seems to be Golddigger remix). And some of the key strokes penetrating the air are mine. It's surreal. I feel as if I've gone back in time .... really. The last two years have seemed a breath. But they were not. So now I am longing to see what the Lord has in store. I am longing for vision and discernment. I am longing to see the significance and desire He ascribes to the people and things around me. I hope my eyes are open and upward to see Him deliver .... time for class .... hope you're all well.

Anchordown and Reflections On Being Small

2006-01-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

This is a two for one deal ... Two posts that I intended to make are becoming one package deal ... I hope they can co-exist as smoothly as possible. Well, if you would kindly direct your attention to my sidebar, you will find a link for something called Anchordown. Well, I'll be nice, if you click here you will find it. It is a band that was born of the body at Living Stones, a beloved community of believers of which I am a part. Again, that link is there, too. Check it out. Anyway, last night (Friday) was their CD release party ... Many stories, many reflections on God's goodness were shared, but I wanted to share their music with you all. I have been so impressed with the authenticity, importance and urgency in their lyrics and lives. If you are able and your heart is provoked in agreement with what they share with you, please consider supporting them somehow. An encouraging word, buying the CD, prayer ... As a body, can we not come alongside? Okay, I'm off my soapbox. As for the second part of this post, provoked by Anchordown songs "No Shadow To Hide" and "Little Dreams", I've been thinking a lot about being small. Yes, small in stature, I know ... But small in life, in thought, in deed. In some ways, it is my choice to be small, and even to shrink. In some ways I have chosen to hide in the shadows, afraid of sharing gifts that God has given me in fear of my own pride, my own selfish conceit. But God is a God of growth ... And He does not allow us to hide in the shadows. Before the immense Light that He is, we are completely exposed, flaws and gifts alike ... But to that He says, "My grace is sufficient for you". To my small life He says, "I am bigger than your fear of pride, step out and I will keep you humble." In Hebrews (and this may be totally out of context) but God says that if we shrink back He will have no pleasure with us ... The author then says that we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe. I don't want to shrink into the shadows anymore, but rather entrust this small, frail life to the one who will grow it. He who began a good work in you will Himself perfect and complete it until the day of Christ Jesus ... It is good to be small ... For the one who is small will always reach out beyond his grasp.

Love

2006-01-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I wanted to know that God loved me today. I needed it so badly. And it was written all over my experience today. Not in expected ways, not in Elijah's earthquakes or fierce winds, but the gentle blowing ... The kind that wraps you, is just strong enough to remove the breath from your lungs and moves the trees with the softest touch. In small ways ... This God, this great King, is continually acting in ways I am slowly -- very slowly -- coming to understand. This love of God was penned in wretched heartbreak, sealed by weeping, but coupled with assurance of Truth. It's occurring to me more and more and more ... That love truly changes everything. This love of God, proven on the cross, acknowledged by some, craved by all ... Is the difference. If there lies any doubt in any sphere of our being, it is directly related to the fact that we are not believing that God loves us. What else would the problem be? Is there even a problem at all? Isn't He satisfactory, completely abundant? This love of Christ is secure (Romans 8:31-39). This love of Christ is proven (Romans 5:8-10). This love of Christ is ours (John 17:25-26). How differently a child acts when he or she knows they are loved. They stand up tall. They are not afraid to speak their minds. They live an uninhibited life, unphased and unhindered by the status quo. But most of all, they share it. They share this love in every thinkable capacity, to ALL who are in their path. "Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him ... For the LOVE of Christ CONTROLS us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf ... Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. " (2 Corinthians 5:9, 14-15, 20). His love changes what we think, what we do, and who we are. I pray, brothers and sisters, that you would know that you are loved. It changes everything.

Trista Marie (sorrowful one made perfect)

2006-01-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

In true form, here we are, my best friend Trista and myself. This dear friend of mine is getting married in June ... wow. She is finally going somewhere I cannot go. We've been apart since we were 18, only seeing each other about once a year, but when has it ever been about geography? She is plumbing depths that I have yet experience, and I can't go with her. She is entering a covenant that is so beautiful, such potential for the glory of God. It has been encouraging to see her grow and mature into a wife, and still growing into the role --- more and more daily --- I love and respect her increasingly and am so honored to call her friend. Yet, I have undergone wave upon wave of intense emotion. I have listened intently as she describes her feelings and convictions about what is to come ... it's so praiseworthy; theirs is a story full of joy, full of sorrow, full of glory ... full of trust. In listening to and observing her, I have stumbled upon a wealth of pain that I thought had long since left me. I can't seem to refuse the doubt that the Lord has anything in store for me in this regard. Its a nagging wound, quick to reopen and slow to heal. Yet I must refuse this doubt. I must trust. Not in marriage, not even in the potential for marriage on this earth, but I must trust that the Lord will not withhold any good thing from any of His children... from me. His grace is sufficient for me. Not grace plus marriage. He doesn't promise husbands, wives, children ... He promises what we need ... He promises Himself and at a perilous cost has made Himself available to fulfill those roles for us and through us should they arise. Do I believe Him? I still want to. I still do. Last night was probably the last time we will be together before the wedding. Next stop: Iowa. I will never forget the look in Trista's eyes. She was saying something incredible, I know it. Her eyes don't lie. But I didn't understand it. For the first time I didn't understand. Oh, Lord ......... have Your way.

Starbucks, I Love You

2006-01-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

This is the marking of my new favorite drink at Starbucks ... the Cinnamon Dulce Latte. I'm a sucker for cinnamon in my coffee and have always enjoyed Mexican Mochas (yes, it's because I'm Mexican : ) and the word "dulce" in musical terms implies sweetness in the delivery ... ahhhh ... the caffeine doesn't hurt, either. Yum. So go out and get a Grande when you get the chance (apparently it's the best value ... true story!!).

I Boast No More

2005-12-31T10:54:00.000-08:00

No More My God, I boast no more of all the duties I have done. I quit the hopes I held before, to trust the merits of Thy Son.

No more my God, no more my God, no more my God, I boast no more.

Now, for the loss I bear his name, what was my gain I count my loss. My former pride I call my shame and nail my glory to His cross.

Yes, and I must, I will esteem all things but loss for Jesus' sake. O may my soul be found in Him and of His righteousness partake. Amen, amen.

The best obedience of my hands dares not appear before Thy throne. But faith can answer Thy demands by pleading what my Lord has done.

"I Boast No More" -- Isaac Watts, Caedmon's Call

These words have been ringing through my head the last few months. Especially the chorus. I don't remember where I heard this, but I was told once that in Scripture, when things are repeated three times it is specifically for the purpose of EMPHASIS. Not mere assertion but complete certainty and undeniability. When the seraphim call out "Holy, Holy, Holy" in praise of God, THEY ARE NOT THROWING THOSE WORDS AROUND as I easily do, and so many of us do. Each time the chorus of this song cries out "No more, my God" I hear it. I hear the utter frustration with the flesh, the longing for sanctification, and the burning desire to be laid completely down ... to let faith in Christ be the answer for the demands we cannot meet. I'll probably write more about this later, but being in Oregon right now is teaching me this ... I hope you're all well and CHOOSING to be laid down.

Reckless Abandon

2005-12-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

"Blessed are you, O Israel, who is like you, a people saved by the Lord, who is the shield of your help and the sword of your majesty! So your enemies will cringe before you, and you will tread upon their high places." -Deuteronomy 33:29. With such promises, how could I withhold myself? How can I resist? My God clearly wants all of me ... somehow ... and is calling me continually to surrender. Yet, abandon unto the Lord is so secure. The funny thing about reckless abandon is that it is anything but reckless. Those who fall are caught. Those who fling themselves, rightfully helpless, into His arms are held. My heart has undergone varied weights and has been heavy for different reasons. At times, sorrow and regret for refusing to surrender. Other times, heaviness at realizing the weight and potential of glory. But when all is said and done, and I find myself raw and exposed before God, I just want to jump. I just want to be held. I just want to fling myself into His infinite embrace. This helpless, stubborn, fearful case should have closed long ago. But for this I have received mercy and grace upon grace. Hmmm ......... I can say no more.

Shizzle My Kizzle

2005-12-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

Well, if you know me, then you no doubt are aware of my love for cats. This holiday season was colored with a bit of sadness, as my mom is being forced to give up our cats for adoption due to financial difficulty .... sigh .... it's been hard, I won't lie. We've raised those cats since they were kittens, watched their personalities grow, laughed at them, invested in their well being .... yes, they're cats, but they're really special to us. Basically, they might be gone before I get to Oregon on Thursday. BUT I would be lying entirely and not ackowledging the Lord's love and sovereignty unless I told you about the blessing I have stumbled upon. Well, not stumbled .... I believe God's actions are very personal, very accurate, very deliberate and very good. The house that I moved into has come with both a cat and a dog! As I'm writing this, the cat is playing, running around, purring, all the best cat stuff. I love it. Her name is Kizzle (hence the title of the post). The dog isn't here, but I look forward to getting to know him, too. His name is Oscar .... and apparently he pees if you pet him too much .... oh, boy. Well, I'm looking forward to times ahead, should the Lord tarry. Merry, merry, merry Christmas, everyone. He IS come. May the gift you give this season of your lives (whatever season it may be) be a gladly sacrificed life. It's the only way. I love you all .... His best.

Great Expectations

2005-12-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight is Friday night, which means I went to Living Stones, a college and career type group that meets at a church across town ... WAY across town (because right now I live at the base of Mt. Rose). This community of believers has been a great encouragement to me. In preparation for Christmas, we have been looking at the Jesus' first coming from a Jewish perspective (visions of Arnold Fruchtenbaum dance through my head). I was struck very heavily by the concept of waiting. The majority of history has been devoted to waiting ... Since the Messiah was first promised at the fall of man, we have been waiting for redemption. And now that He IS come, we, together with creation, "eagerly await the revealing of the sons of God" (Rom. 8) and the redemption of our bodies, Christ's reign established, the end of sin. I find that I, as the Israelites did in waiting for Christ, concoct countless expectations of "things" in my own life. How they will arrive, what form they may take, dreams of how euphoric they will be ... Dangerous. I'm realizing still that expectations are not merely about outcome of events, but expecting who the Lord will show Himself to be in those circumstances. If you're looking for the Lord, you will find Him, regardless. Simeon (Luke 2) saw Him when he was only 1 and 1/2 months old. No halo. No "hallelujah" chorus. A child, helpless and dependent, such the lamb ... Yet the Lion of Judah. Simeon knew this, could recognize the Lord in the situation because his waiting was contingent not on the outcome or outward appearance of the events, but the promise of God: "Now Lord, you are releasing your bond-servant to depart in peace, according to Your word; For my eyes have seen Your salvation, which You have prepared in the presence of all the peoples, a light of revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of Your people Israel." (Luke 2:29-32). This is very personal to me. I have great expectations a lot of the time. But the Lord is faithful even now to strip me of false hopes and draw me into dependence upon my Living Hope. "Indeed, while following the way of Your judgments, O Lord, We have waited for You eagerly; Your name, even Your memory, is the desire of our souls." - Isaiah 26:8

American Eagle

2005-12-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Well, day two at AE has completed ... oh, there is so much to learn. The retail industry is a difficult one to work in/for, especially in this given season. My heart is challenged: do I go to work to be served or to serve? May I lay down my life on the basis that Christ has abundantly done so. Psalm 18 has encouraged me while folding clothes and greeting customers. My strength, my refuge, my shield, my deliverance, my blamelessness, my righteousness, my rock, my God in whom I trust. That which I need, He is. May I recall this ... p.s. Highlight: I got to use the pricing gun and the SKU scanner today ... really cool! Lowlight: The song "Caught Up" will forever compell me to do price checks ...

Mmmm ...

2005-12-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

"Keep me as the daughter of Your eye. Hide me in the shadow of Your wings." -Psalm 17:8 I cannot lie when I say that this brings me to tears ... honestly. I was writing a letter to a dear friend of mine today and I wanted to include a verse ... something relevant. My thoughts first went to the page my bible naturally fell open to the other day (haha, very spiritual), and these words from psalm 17 jumped off the page. There is something so tender about this. I have observed many fathers and daughters in these 21 years I have lived and I am one myself (a daughter, that is). And there is something so unequivocal to the way a father looks at his daughter ... easily seen when no one else is looking. : ) To him, she is perfect, she has a purity that is incapable of being stained. Given, I have also seen the opposite of this in caring for the daughters of many whose dads reject them brutally ... but there is a still a longing for those eyes -- the eyes whose center is you. I needed to be reminded of that today, that my Heavenly Father actually wants me. I needed to be reminded of this vast love that will never let me go. There have been times when, as a daughter to my Heavenly Father, I feel painfully indignant to Him. It's as if we are sitting on the couch, saying nothing, my arms crossed and my eyebrows furrowed in anger ... and all He wants to do is talk. And here I am, not talking, because I'm afraid. Afraid of something else being taken away, afraid of discipline. But still He waits ... and another friend once told me (one whom I respect beyond words) that when all we expect is for Him to take something away, He just wants to give. Simple concept, but oh ... to live it. Mmmm ... I'm learning. In a painfully slow fashion, but learning. I hope that whoever reads this will know they are kept and loved. May we hide and abide in the shadow of His wings.

Quote of the Week from Pastor Bill Sherman

2005-12-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

Pastor Bill is the college group/former Sat. night pastor at Reno Christian Fellowship. He has dilligently sent thousands of people a weekly quote for YEARS in order to provoke Christ-centered lives and thought outside of Sunday. He is leaving the church to plant another at the end of this year ... I'm glad God is expanding his life of ministry to include other "adventures" ... I hope He still sends the quotes, though ... May your thoughts and actions be provoked! "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered." - G. K. Chesterton

Reno At Night

2005-12-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest when I say that I often question why I'm here. Maybe it's the night talking ... but sometimes I do wonder. I wonder where I fit in this pool of lights. I wonder at the excess of it all. But the reminders come subtly. I am consoled when I remember that God is here and He has a plan. He sees my frame, strategically places me in the height of my frailty in order to instill the dependence I need and crave. "And you know the way where I am going." - John 14:4. Thomas, who is known to many as the doubter of the disciples (although I venture to say that it's not exclusive to Thomas), asks, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?". To which Jesus replies, "I am the way, the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." Thomas, asking the question as though Jesus' departure was a geographical matter, is reminded by Jesus that it's not about what is seen, but rather what is unseen. In walking with the Lord, I often wonder if I know the way ... but I do. And it has nothing to do with where I am. I need to get my compass pointing in the right direction and head straight for Home ... not a location, but a person. It just so happens that Reno is part of the journey Home. But until then, in the nights that I wonder "why", I have a promise: "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. After a little while the world will no longer see Me, but you will see Me; because I live, you will live also." - John 14:18-19. It will be okay.

Welcome ...

2005-12-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

Well ... There's not too much to say quite yet ... Except welcome! There should be more to come shortly. Cheers!